BP25
Did you ever have a favorite blankie or stuffed animal as a small child that you took to bed with you every night? How about a pacifier? I remember my kids had comforting objects like a wonderfully soft blanket, a pink caterpillar that played music, a large stuffed elephant named Fluffy Big-Ears and miscellaneous other beloved critters they embraced while they slept.
Some of you know that all these objects and others are known in psychobabble as transitional objects (TOs). TOs provide familiar presence to a child during stressful seasons, frightening times and at bedtime. I believe that TOs are especially comforting for children when the dreaded moment of nighttime separation occurs—a small death–when they must face the loss of their parents until morning. How good that children can hold onto soft and tactilely soothing objects that serve as an extension of their mommy or daddy until they return in the morning.
Somewhere inside, we are all afraid of separation. After all, it is the scourge of the universe. Death, of course, we experience as the most dreaded of them all—if we even allow ourselves to think about it.
Predictably, then, adults also embrace TOs, because even big people have a deep fear of separation built into them after the events that went down in the Garden of Eden. Some of you who are reading this post may still have a favorite blanket or stuffed animal that you sleep with. Others turn to reading books for comfort, or to a cabin in the woods, or to a favorite vehicle, or to food, alcohol, coffee or to the queen of TOs—chocolate. Ha.
God created us for His comforting Presence, but the connecting bridge to that Presence was shattered by our disobedience.
Yes, what is so devastating about sin is that it separates. Practicing sin–dedicated sinning–separates absolutely. Rebellion against healthy authority, whether it be a human parent or God, destroys the relationship.
So, we end up alone in the universe, a great separation yawning between us and God, between us and other humans–THE separation that Jesus came to eradicate.
Transitional objects become less critical as children gradually develop the ability to internalize the healthy parent. As children develop a track record, as it were, with the healthy parent and maintain that image inside of them, there is less need for an outside material object to cling to as a substitute whenever the parent is physically absent.
But if adults are not even good at holding onto relationships with God and other people, how can a child be expected to do so? Maybe because they have not been wounded by the world yet. But so many young children are severely damaged even in the first five years of life. Plus, children are fallen from birth so their interpretation of the world and their subsequent reactions cannot be fully trusted.
Also, young children are neurologically and relationally undeveloped. Because of this limited ability to understand, they perceive that when the parent puts them into bed and closes the door, they are being abandoned forever.
You might see where I’m going here. In the beginning, we were all made for close, intimate, loving relationships. But we rebelled and disobeyed and pridefully rejected God. After this Tragic Fall, every relationship is broken. The bridges of love are destroyed. We see God and others and even ourselves in distorted ways.
We need some kind of miracle to help us lower our defensive and rebellious walls that not only shut out authority and things we perceive as harmful but also bar our hearts against love and trust and intimacy.
Hang in there with me for a few minutes. This next section is a bit complicated but crucial to experiencing intimacy on this planet.
At its core, this week’s post is about a concept known as internalization. Indulge me in a little more psychobabble, please. Theorists like Klein, Fairbairn, Guntrip, Winnicott, Mahler, Kohut and Kernberg all speak of internalization albeit in different terminology. Internalization is explained in developmental stages such as introjection, identification and ego identity.
For the purpose of this post, I will define internalization as the process by which children—as early as birth or possibly even in the womb—experience other people in the real world and then take them inside their mind as memories and inside their hearts as emotions and inside their soul as an overall Presence.
One important factor to note is that we do not internalize people verbatim, i.e., objectively. Our view of others does not correspond in an exact one-to-one fashion with the ‘real people’ who live in the external world. In a sense, two versions of another person exist in our experience, namely, the actual person in reality but then also a personal, internal version of the person created by our perceptions.
We all experience people around us through our own unique, fallen filter.
In other words, how you perceive a person outside of you is always impacted by your own internal representation of that person in your mind. An example might be when you experience a male authority figure, let’s say a college professor, as an authoritarian chauvinist when he is simply delineating the expectations of the class syllabus including firm due dates and penalties for late submissions of assignments.
Of course, this professor could be authoritarian, but the point here is that we always have two representations of a person—the one in reality and the one in our mind that colors our perceptions of the actual person.
Another example is a young man who perceives that the woman sitting in the cube next to him is smiling at him because she perceives herself to be above him. He experiences her smile not as friendly but condescending and smug. Here we see a distortion based on his own sinful perception (he is projecting onto the woman his own prideful tendency to look down on others) and his history with an authoritarian mother that subsequently distorts his view of all women.
Once again, none of us receive or interpret the people around us—or even God—with complete accuracy. We perceive them through our own personal lens that consists of our past experiences with other people—especially early, powerful others like parents—and our desires, both fallen and redeemed.
Our internalizations of others are never fully accurate. They are highly subjective. (However, they can be healed.)
Our internalizations are especially inaccurate if our early personalities had to adapt in order to cope with an unhealthy, immature or even evil personality that was experienced as larger than life—almost as powerful as a god or goddess or a scary giant. Usually, the more immature a parent, teacher or other authority figure is, the more authoritarian, controlling and shaming they are.
Picture Hitler, Jezebel, Queen Mary I of England and Herod the Great.
It is possible that the internalizations of the parent might be largely accurate but that these highly negative internalizations will skew one’s perception of other people in the future.
The truth is that if you grow up in an environment dominated by an immature, raging, shaming or abusive personality, your view of others around you will be distorted (for the rest of your life) unless you are healed of these internal images that your personality was forced to adapt to.
Why will this distortion persist? Because you have internalized a person with a high level of unpredictability, changeable moods and projected shame that will lead you to see the world through a malformed lens.
As a child, we are especially vulnerable to internalizations of those around us as we develop our personalities–our selfs. If the early people in our lives are generally healthy, we will develop a positive anticipatory lens that will assume that present and future others will be good and helpful. On the contrary, if we grow up in an environment with an unhealthy or even an evil personality, our lens will anticipate (think self-fulfilling prophecy) that the people around us will be untrustworthy and negative.
In short, our repeated experiences with early others gradually become a pair of glasses through which we see the world—as well as ourselves and even God–for the rest of our lives. Again, these glasses are composed of the total of our internalizations. The more unhealthy our early experiences, the more distortedly we will perceive the world around us.
One way to explain it is if you grow up with a very negative personality early in your life, you will most likely internalize a prosecuting attorney who will be critical of you and critical of others around you. If you grow up with a positive and nurturing mother, father, or other caregiver, you will likely internalize a defense attorney who is for you and who sees you and others positively. What a blessing to have the presence of such a positive personality inside of you!
How does a person heal distorted internalizations?
There is healing power in psychological therapy, no doubt. The client experiences the therapist through the lens of his internalizations which he projects onto the therapeutic situation. Through careful listening and ongoing encounters with the client, the therapist begins to understand the internalizations of the client. She discerns them and maps them out, so to speak.
Over time, the therapist makes the client aware of his internalizations that he projects onto her, most of them negative (some may positive and idealizing) due to the power of his early experiences with the immature or evil giantesque personality. The therapist allows the client to project these internal images onto her and empathizes with his emotions toward her.
At the same time, she encourages the client to experience her not as the bad internal image created in the image of the abusive personality of childhood but as a new person who listens, understands and cares with a soothing Presence.
The predictable listening Presence of the therapist is slowly internalized by the client as a good image that transforms the therapeutic relationship into one of safety and trust. It also serves to dilute the negative internalizations and challenges them as not universally accurate.
In my opinion, the power of therapy is not in problem solving or reducing symptoms (ultimately) but in creating a trusting relationship where young things can finally grow, like trust and the ability to attach and the power to care for others instead of only oneself.
Yes, there is power in the therapeutic relationship. Deep healing often occurs. But this professional relationship is simply a shadow of the one that precedes all others. All relationships on this planet point to the highest one of all: the love God has for the creatures He created in His image.
There is hope for all of us no matter who we grew up with or whose dark shadow we lurked beneath as a child.
The great news is that there is good news in Jesus when it comes to internalizations. He doesn’t settle for simply reciting to us heady truths that might chip away at the dark beliefs wrapped up in our internalizations. He also goes beyond listening and understanding and safety.
Jesus actually creates a new being within us (2 Corinthians 5:17) and then places His Holy Spirit in us to live as the ultimate internalized Presence—a literal Presence of the eternal God.
Once again, the Presence of Jesus in a human life makes all the difference in the universe. When we believe in Him, He gives us eyes to see beyond the external material world. He also gives us eyes to see beyond our powerful internal images, the glasses we develop in childhood that often determine how we see and interact with every human we meet.
When God creates a new person within you and His Spirit moves into the house of your soul, He dispels the old internalizations from the age of the giants. He removes some in an instant and some over time. Sometimes, He might use deliverance or prayer ministries or even psycho-spiritual relational therapy to assist in the disassembling of the deepest internalizations that stubbornly persist.
So, what is the application of all this discussion around internalizations? There are many but the primary point today is that many believers in God struggle mightily with ancient internalizations even after they are reborn in Jesus. In other words, if you grew up with scary giants, don’t be discouraged if they don’t disappear right away.
When you internalize a giant, it takes a while to dispel this image with its shaming message that has been branded onto your frontal lobes and onto your heart.
After all, Jesus doesn’t erase your memories when you come to Him. He teaches you to trust Him as He transforms not only your present but also your past.
Sean’s internal image told him he would never be good enough. Beth’s shouted at her that she was stupid. Sam’s whispered to him that everyone was judging him in their minds. Claire’s shook its head and pronounced that she was unlovable and should just kill herself. Tyler’s told him that if he ever let anyone know his true self, he would be rejected. Annie’s laughed at her and said she was an alien and would never fit into the world of people. Jonathan’s told him that he would never be forgiven for the despicable things he had done in the past and for the ugly thoughts that continued to roll through his mind. Rachel’s continually accused her and daily asked her if she was aware that she wasn’t a believer and would be going to hell one day. Sarah’s announced that everyone had forgotten her, that she was invisible to the world of others and should simply disappear like a transient mist that would never be missed.
One last word: When human Transitional Objects or childhood internalizations don’t cut it for you, always remember that the Holy Spirit lives within you and pronounces that you are a child of the King of Kings and Lord of lords. Jesus referred to the Holy Spirit as the Comforter who will be with you when all other comforters go away.
Also know that you have been adopted into God’s family. You have many spiritual parents and siblings to turn to when the internalizations of the past still raise their prosecuting voices.
Internalize the comforting words of the Scriptures. Internalize the Presence of the comforting Spirit. Internalize the fellowship of your fellow travelers who are making their way through this world toward Glory—toward home.
Remember, He who lives inside of you will assist you to tear down every internalized god, goddess and giant that seeks to destroy you and every healthy relationship you have in your life. He will be with you always.
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds [internalizations]. We destroy arguments [internal prosecutors] and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ ~ 2 Corinthians 10:3-5