BP 201
When we deny something, we are refusing to admit the truth or existence of something. We might deny something is true when there will be a negative consequence to us if we admit it. A man once told me that in his family of origin, it was safer to lie than to tell the truth, so he learned to deny things that he had done that would get him into major trouble.
In short, he learned to lie because to confess reality was to pay a price of shame, abuse, and even annihilation as a person. He denied reality and lived in a castle of denial.
Psychology Today tells us what denial is psychologically speaking: “Denial is a defense mechanism in which an individual refuses to recognize or acknowledge objective facts or experiences. It’s an unconscious process that serves to protect the person from discomfort or anxiety.”
An example of denial mentioned in the Psychology Today website is a person who denies he has a problem with alcohol when everyone around him is aware of it.
I don’t know how unconscious the denial of alcoholism is, but it probably is true that such a denial protects the person from something. From the discomfort of knowing he has a problem? Maybe. From anxiety related to admitting he has an addiction that he must deal with? Possibly.
And maybe from the fear of having to give up something he believes he must have and can’t imagine living without.
Let’s look at what some people over the years have said about denial and then briefly look at it through the lens of God’s word.
What is “denial” to the secular world that may make some good points but not be totally accurate?
“The attempt to escape from pain [denial?], is what creates more pain” ~ Gabor Mate
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting [denial?]. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens” ~ Judith Lewis Herman
“Even as your body betrays you, your mind denies it” ~ Sara Gruen
“The human mind isn’t a terribly logical or consistent place. Most people, given the choice to face a hideous or terrifying truth or to conveniently avoid it [denial?], choose the convenience and peace of normality. That doesn’t make them strong or weak people, or good or bad people. It just makes them people” ~ Jim Butcher
“What man ever openly apologizes for slander? It is not so much a feeling of slander as it is that of a massive lie, a misdeed not only to the slandered but also to those manipulated in the process. He has made them all, every one, his enemies, thereupon he is so overwhelmed with guilt that he will deny it until his grave” ~ Criss Jami
“I wonder if being sane means disregarding the chaos that is life, pretending only an infinitesimal segment of it is reality” ~ Rabih Alameddine
“Denial is like an old blanket. I loved to get on under that thing and curl up and sleep” ~ Taylor Jenkins Reid
Some of these quotes make it sound like denial is a “tool” to wield in an attempt to escape one’s badness, guilt, or the undesirability of reality. Scapegoating and fantasy can thus be methods practiced to enhance denial of one’s own culpability and/or one’s scary or painful reality.
Where do we witness the practice of denial in humanity?
+ When someone has cancer, she can deny something is wrong with her body and choose to believe that she is well. In my practice as a psychologist, I have encountered terminally ill individuals and some of their family members who flat out denied that anything was wrong and then were shocked when the individual died.
+ People can deny that they are responsible for their actions against others. We might witness such a denial in personality disorders where individuals believe that if they are at odds with those around them or the reality of the world, others and the world are always wrong, and they are always right. Here we witness a type of “splitting” where the victims are the ones at fault while the perpetrator is free of fault.
In the worst-case scenario, we might witness such denial in a person with anti-social personality disorder who is above the law, never wrong, and free to engage in sadistic behaviors toward others including sexual and physical abuse and psychological manipulation because he is able to deny that what he is doing is not wrong.
+ Christians might deny they are struggling with an emotional disorder such as depression or bi-polar because to admit that might mean they are not obeying or trusting God correctly and therefore are a disappointment to Him.
+ Some individuals might deny they have experienced severe abuse as a child because to embrace that truth is to admit that someone they have always trusted is, in fact, totally the opposite of what they had tried to make themselves believe. It is often easier or safer for abused people to deny the reality of such a shocking, paradigm-altering truth instead of accepting that it is true.
+ Most people deny death in one fashion or another. Often this denial is done passively, that is, it is accomplished simply by not thinking about it or cosmeticizing death so that it seems less final and terrifying. Certainly, denying death even passively is a way to avoid the anxiety of the ultimate, feared consequence.
+ Another example of denial is when a spouse cannot admit her partner is repeatedly cheating on her because to believe that truth is to threaten the whole pleasant reality of a healthy family with a stable home, income, and future. It is easier to deny something that may bring down the whole castle than to admit it is true.
+ A person can believe that loving people for what they do for them is as healthy as loving people for who they are. They can deny to themselves that the practice of using people as objects is love and continue to manipulate them for their own ends.
+ Maybe all of us at one time or another deny our sinfulness and our separation from God. Some will even deny the existence of God as a way to protect themselves against the anxiety of knowing that they are accountable to their Maker or to protect them from the fear of having to give up their version of happiness instead of surrendering to God’s version of joy.
These are just a few examples of denial. Do you have any examples of denial you practice in your life?
When we consider these examples, we can see that denial is not a healthy practice. It sounds similar to lying if not the equivalent of it. Denial even sounds dangerous to believing in God, to growth, and to admitting one’s need for forgiveness of sin and for salvation.
As I may have mentioned in another post, someone once told me that there is such a thing as a “healthy denial.” He asserted that if we thought about dying, death, and other bad things all the time, we would be living in a constant state of anxiety. I hear what he is saying.
My concern with “healthy denial” is that it could easily lead to unhealthy denial where we deny and avoid things we need to be aware of such as the spiritual reality of our separation from God.
Also, some anxiety (or a lot of anxiety) is a good thing because it makes us realize our need for God instead of living life in our own strength apart from Him. John 15 discusses at length the critical importance of abiding in Jesus and not simply trying to do life on our own.
One of my main points in this post is this: Reality is your friend. Yes, denial can give you a temporary relief from fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and a few other things that are uncomfortable if not downright painful. But denial is about lying to others and even more importantly, lying to yourself. Denial will separate you from truth, your own self, and even God.
Reality brings the awareness of scary things, of hard truths, even of our own sin and shame. But knowing these things instead of denying them, leads us to God. Then we don’t have to cope alone with our fears—and life is chock full of fears.
A primary truth about denial might be that it is a way to comfort yourself when you do not trust God and lean on Him for comfort. Denial is a substitute, a counterfeit to lean on when you are not leaning on the “everlasting arms”; when you are not trusting the God who says, “Fear not, for I am with you.”
In short, it is worse to deny reality and have temporary and false relief from the truth of your sin and your death, for example, than to embrace reality as your friend. When you tell yourself the truth, you can turn to God to be your comfort, joy, and your shepherd even in the valley of the shadow of death.
Are there any ways you are engaging in denial? You might be a believer in Jesus, but something may get in the way of you trusting Him, so you trust instead in your defense mechanisms like denial and rationalization and suppression. Someone once said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It might be even more true that the path away from God is paved with bad denials.
I fear that another consequence of bad denials of reality is that you will be very alone in the world. God may often use your pain, guilt, and fear to cause you to trust Him instead of trusting yourself and being alone.
So, instead of practicing denial, be afraid. Be guilty with sin. Be crushed under the weight of your current reality. But then run to Jesus who says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” ~ Matthew 11:28-30.
Relative to denying sin, David says in the Psalms,
“For when I kept silent [practicing denial?], my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah
I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover [deny?] my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah
Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
You are a hiding place for me;
you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance” ~ Psalm 35:3-7
Here we witness another massive truth about why faith in Jesus is the most relevant reality to humankind: to embrace the truth of our sin and separation from God and turn to Him for our salvation is to experience the joy of His amazing presence in our hearts! Look nowhere else for comfort from all your fears and for cleansing of all your sin and shame.
Forsake denial and embrace truth. Reality is your friend because it invites you to come to Jesus!
“But my people have changed their glory
for that which does not profit.
Be appalled, O heavens, at this;
be shocked, be utterly desolate,
declares the Lord,
for my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me [denial?],
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water” ~ Jeremiah 2:11b-13