BP101
I don’t know about you, but there are many words I use every day that I have never taken time to define. Unlike words like sesquipedalian or supercilious, I’ve never had to look these words up in a dictionary. They are simple words. I know what they mean. I use them in my conversations dozens of times every day. One of these familiar words is, as many of you know, the foundation of Designer Therapy for Life. Do you know it?
It is the word, with.
For the first time in my life, today I looked up with in several online dictionaries. The Oxford Dictionary’s first definition was the following: accompanied by (another person or thing). In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary a similar meaning of the word with does not appear until the fourth definition listed where it says: used as a function word to indicate combination, accompaniment, presence, or addition.
With is a short word (only four symbols arranged to carry a certain meaning centuries ago) and common—it appears in the 13th position on the English Word Frequency list only behind the, of, and, to, a, in, for, is, on, that, by, this. But for being such a seemingly inconsequential and common word, it carries on its little back or in its small container possibly the most amazing truth of the universe.
Yes, a four-letter word points to the purpose of the entire human race.
The word with tells us we are not meant to be alone during our brief existence on this terrestrial ball—unless you claim that material reality is all there is. We are here in this universe to be accompanied by something or someone. We are to be in the Presence of something or someone beyond ourselves, in combination with something other. What are we usually referring to when we refer to being in the Presence of something or someone?
We don’t usually say I’m with my golf clubs or with my hamburger or with my SUV or with my computer or with my bed, phone, basketball, shirt, desk, shoes, hair, kayak, Play Station, Spike Ball game, and so on. In other words, we do not use the word with to indicate being around inorganic things, things that are not alive.
When we use the word with in an accompanying way that denotes Presence, we almost always refer to organic things with which we have a relationship (not just any organic thing). For example, we describe ourselves as being with pets. We might say that I am with my dog, cat, horse, monkey, domestic pig, bird, or even a snake. All these are organic things, things that are alive, things you can talk to and touch or hold affectionately in your hands—except maybe the snake, for many.
Not too many people talk to inorganic things like their portfolio or their BMW unless they find it easier to talk to things than people. I suppose a few people might hold inorganic things affectionately in their hands like a diamond, a stack of currency, a lottery ticket, a diploma, etc. However, none of us usually say that we have a personal relationship with our money or our I phone.
Gollum did talk to the ring of power quite often, calling it “My precious.” But then, Gollum was the poster child for people who do not get along well with others. He idolized the material and devalued mature love for others.
Some people might talk to or be accompanied by organic things even if there is no innate potential for personal relationship. A chef might talk to his mashed potatoes or a carpenter to his piece of wood, but we usually do not say that a chef is with his food, or a carpenter is with his wood.
So, what are we saying so far in this post? The word with, when used to mean accompaniment or Presence, is not used to refer to inorganic things or even to most organic things. One exception is when we are speaking about being accompanied by a pet. When we have a special dog or cat around, we speak of being with that animal. Apparently (obviously), a domesticated animal lends itself more to a personal relationship with a human than does food or a block of wood.
That doesn’t mean, however, that people won’t try to find deeper meaning and connection with inorganic things or even with some organic things that are incapable of being Present for a man or woman on a deep heart level. Hollow things can be worshiped (see Gollum and the ring) and exalted to the level of deep affection if people forsake the intimacy for which they are made. Something must fill the emptiness within us.
So, now let’s move on to what the word with most commonly refers to in the context of Presence. Let’s look at what our hearts appear to long for the most in terms of withness.
We most often use the word with (in the accompanying sense) when referring to personal relationships with other people, God, or even our own selves. For example, we will say things like “I am with my husband, with my girlfriend, with my friend, with my boss, with my mother.”
We will speak in a relational way about being in God’s Presence such as “I am spending time with Jesus or the Holy Spirit is with me or the Father says “Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10).
We might also say that I am spending time alone with myself today.
In these contexts, with is clearly a word that expresses being accompanied by another person. Spending time alone with oneself, therefore, does not seem to indicate combination, accompaniment, presence, or addition in the same way as when we are with another person or with God. When we are with only our own soul, there is no addition or combination. Being alone with oneself is more, I suppose, about the observing ego looking at one’s own heart and thoughts. There is no other Presence except the self looking at the self. There is no other present. It is only me, myself, and I.
Ultimately, then, with—when it is used to communicate Presence, combination, addition, or accompaniment and personal relationship–is most often and accurately referring to me or you being with another organic personality, someone (not something) outside our selves. This other personality might be a pet, other people, or God.
In other words, lasagna and waterfalls need not apply for the position of being with a man or woman. Even when we refer to the great outdoors, we refer to being in nature, not with it. Some people do speak about communing with nature and yes, I would agree that the beauty of nature can be a wonderfully peaceful and grounding Presence. I would argue, however, that nature is not with us as personalities are. Something is missing from the Presence of nature that only human or divine Presence can fulfill. (See blog post 86 which overlaps some with this current post).
The beauty in nature may be calming and inspiring, but it is not the end for which our hearts most deeply long. As C.S. Lewis says, Atoms dead could never thus stir the human heart of us unless the beauty that we see the veil of endless beauty be.
Lewis also wrote, We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.
Lewis would say that seeing the beauty in nature may amaze us, but that we cannot become one with it. We can only enter into being with The Beauty as we enter into being with other image bearers and most deeply, with God Himself.
Jesus speaks of that oneness with God when He prays to the Father, The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me ~ John 17:22-23.
So, know what you are made for, whom you are made for. At its central core, life in this universe is about being with–not inorganic things or most organic things. Oh no. Ultimate fulfillment, joy, and meaning flow from being with God first and others second. I’m not referring to knowing about God but about being with God in an intimate relationship.
Designer Therapy for Life is built on the awesome foundation of withness. A primary tenet of DTFL is that most mental illness results from an interruption or absence in that withness. Presence and being with are that quintessential to human flourishing. Love, intimacy, and being with is the joy of existence. Separation, hiding, being apart from God and others is the scourge of existence.
In the end, nothing else matters. If we don’t get Presence right, we die empty, alone, and unfulfilled. If we enter into withness with God and others, we obey the two great commandments and experience the meaningfulness of deep relationships as opposed to a pursuit of fleeting desire.
Presence with Jesus and others (the oneness Jesus described above) is possible because Jesus came to reconcile us to the Father and to our brothers and sisters through His death on the cross. Yes, the cross means that our sins are forgiven, and that death has been defeated. In addition, because of Christ’s death, we may now approach God in love and be with Him, and it also means that we can love and be with the image bearers around us.
So, what does the crucifixion and resurrection mean to us practically on the relational level? We are no longer alone in a universe where so many women and men feel small and unseen. Jesus is with us. He promises that He will never leave us. He has forgiven us and tells us to go and do the same.
Knowing Jesus and being like Him leads to withness. Forgiving others and asking God to forgive our sins generates intimacy, reconciliation, and Presence. Jesus now is with us through the person of the Holy Spirit who lives within us. Jesus said about the Spirit, Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you ~ John 16:7.
The Triune God is the Creator and Manifester of Presence. He came to be with us. Seek Him with all your heart and He will be with you. As God says in Jeremiah 29:12-14, You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD.
Would we expect any less from a God whose name is Immanuel?
Don’t settle for anything else than being with God and others. Pray for Jesus to remove every obstacle that stands between you and that withness. For, you have been made to be with, never alone.
Never alone.
