BP 95

Someone I know once said (infamously) at his sister-in-law’s wedding that marriage is like a hot bath—once you get into it, it’s not so hot anymore. Ha.

In my mind, two thoughts flow from this quote. First, do not get married if the water is not hot at the beginning. If your relationship feels tepid or questionable, you might be in trouble down the road because marriage does not get easier after you are married. Only begin the journey of marriage if your relationship is strong before the wedding day. Wait if you have doubts.

You want to get the marriage decision right. Marriage ranks in the top three most important areas of your life only behind Master and Maturity and right up there with Mates (friends).

Secondly, since the hot water of marriage will eventually cool, make sure you continue to mature as a man or woman of God (2 Corinthians 3:18) and keep developing skills that will help you add hot, healthy water to your marriage when it begins to lose its original heat. Always remember that marriage is not a flimsy feeling but a forever promise. The feeling of love is about as reliable as a car with a punctured gas tank.

Today’s blog post will look at some scriptures and quotes related to marriage and then discuss them briefly. If you are already married, apply these truths to your marriage as they fit. If you are not married, view these points as addressing attributes you would be wise to look for in the person you might one day marry.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love ~ Ephesians 4:2

This verse reminds me of Matthew 11:29 where Jesus describes Himself as gentle and lowly in heart. How critical in marriage to be humble, gentle, and lovingly patient; to be like Jesus. Dane Ortlund, in his book, Gentle and Lowly, mentions that ‘lowly’ means accessible, approachable. It is so important to have a spouse who is like Jesus—gentle and approachable. Rough and insensitive people are individuals you will eventually prefer to avoid. Marry gentle and lowly. You will want to be with such a spouse.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another ~ John 13:34-35

Marriage (and family) is one of the best environments where you can daily learn to love someone besides you. Since none of us are born knowing how to love (except to love others for what they can do for us), we need to spend a lifetime mastering the ability to love. We can learn to love if we begin by believing in the One who is love: Jesus Christ. Marriage offers a great opportunity to practice His love. Find someone who knows they have not arrived when it comes to loving others and is dedicated to humbly keep growing in that area.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered ~ 1 Peter 3:7

My point here is not to emphasize the part about the weaker vessel, but to challenge men to be understanding as well as to show honor to their wives since husbands and wives are heirs together of the eternal life that comes for those who walk with Jesus. Understanding and honoring–look for these traits in a future partner.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Men and women, choose to be with someone who is capable of being other centered instead of self-centered. Patience and kindness are traits that accompany someone who loves others. Arrogance, stubbornness, irritability, and resentment often manifest in those who love themselves or maybe do not know how to love themselves or others. You will tire of these traits quickly.

Marriage is over in an hour, and yet it takes a lifetime to be really married ~ E. Stanley Jones, Victorious Living

As I have mentioned in another post, when we get married, most of us are at the kindergarten level in the school of marriage. Developing a mature, loving, covenantal marriage takes years and years to construct. Marriage is not a house that is fully built on your wedding day and then you spend the rest of your life trying not to tear it down.

No, marriage is an empty lot with piles of building supplies (lumber, cinder blocks, cement, nails, screws, doors, windows, and bathtubs for hot water) waiting to be constructed into a solid structure that will last a lifetime. So, be prepared to build!! On your wedding day, you’ve only dug the hole for the basement.

Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. “Till death do us part” or “As long as we both shall live” is a sacred covenant promise—the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her ~ John Piper

Please discuss, understand, and commit to a covenantal marriage from the beginning. You may remember that a contractual marriage says, I will do my part, if you do yours. I will love you as much as you love me. My love is conditional in that I will love you if you love me.

Ugh, a conditional, contractual marriage is almost a guarantee of divorce because you must be perfect for your spouse to commit to staying with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly. (I do want to acknowledge that there are marriages where abuse, chronic unfaithfulness, and incorrigible personality disorders occur. Yes, there are times where a person may need to separate and even divorce after much consultation with the wisdom of a counselor, pastor, friends, and the Holy Spirit.)

Covenantal marriage is the opposite of a contract. In a covenant, you promise to keep doing your part in the marriage even when your spouse is disappointing you or not performing their part of the marriage. In a blog known as Pre-engaged, Heather and Eric remind us of the traditional vow that is based on a covenant with the spouse:

I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As an example of such covenantal love, Heather goes on to say: Her every wince touches [her husband’s] heart. Each night you’ll find him asleep next to her hospital bed. This is the kind of love marriage requires. It may be months before she can cook and clean and she probably won’t feel up to a major vacation any time soon, but he is choosing to love her anyway regardless of what she can or cannot do for him. Should the roles be reversed someday, I’m certain that she will be asleep by his hospital bed every night as well.

Yes, covenantal love keeps giving even when the spouse is unable to return the giving for various reasons, possibly even because of depression or anxiety.

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless —G.K. Chesterton

I have met individuals during my years of doing marriage counseling who hold onto the concept of fairness.

Rigidly.

For dear life.

They insist that things must be fair before they will love their spouse. Until things are fair, they have license to be bitter, unforgiving, distant, even raging and rejecting. Fairness is a terribly bad habit that is found in a contractual marriage.

What would we have done if God’s love for us had been contractual?

Once again, marriage is a covenant based on God’s faithful love for us even when we were not obedient to Him. If you are choosing to obey Jesus and be like Him, He will ask you to love others—especially your spouse–as He loved you. So, throw the word “fair” into the garbage disposal and turn it on. Otherwise, your marriage will be built on sand, not bedrock.

Fix your eyes on Jesus and the plans he has for your life. Look ahead, and run after him with all your heart. Then look around. Whoever has kept up with you, marry that person ~ Debra Fileta

How true this statement is! Before you even meet your spouse, commit to following Jesus with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Dedicate yourself to practicing His presence daily. Then look around. If you see someone running as hard as you toward Jesus, take a hard and close look at that person because not everyone will be running that same race with the same diligence.

I have a few last closing thoughts. Just remember that these are general guidelines and not rigid rules. I am mentioning these because, generally speaking, they will guide you toward marrying a mature person who will not precipitate your death fifteen years early.

• Look for someone who is not legalistic in their faith because these individuals will be rigid and perfectionistic and not a lot of fun to be around. Rather, look for someone who puts love for Jesus above strict obedience to the commandments but who also esteems obedience to the word of God highly because he or she loves the main protagonist in the Bible, Jesus.
• Do not pursue someone who undervalues the word of God because their view of God will be small. I tend to believe that people love others in ratio to how big they view God and His love. A low view of the authority of God’s word leads to a lower view of the size of God which then leads to lower respect and love for others including the spouse.
• Find someone who is in so deep with Jesus that he/she won’t need you too much, i.e., merges with you emotionally. They will stand separate from you (no codependency) because they are always standing first on the Rock known as Jesus.
• Pray for God to bring someone into your life who does not get hurt easily, who does not take things personally. With such a person in your bed, you will be walking on eggshells all the time and for a long time. I’m not saying you should avoid someone who occasionally experiences emotional hurt or woundedness. I am saying to run from the person who has third degree emotional wounds all over his/her heart. Move away from this individual as a spouse until, possibly, they heal. Refuse to be the physician responsible for their healing unless God expressly tells you to do so. There are exceptions with God. Just be sure you’re listening objectively and not with infatuation or a rescue compulsion that brings you value.
• Run from someone who gets angry quickly.
• Run toward someone who listens well, who asks questions about others, who reaches out and touches the shoulder of someone who is hurting, and who cares for the elderly and the poor.
• Seek a man who knows how to put the silver sword of work away and wield the gold sword of the family.
• Flee a woman who is critical. Proverbs says, It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife ~ 25:24. And, It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman ~ Proverbs 21:19. Unless you wish to die young.
• Flee from a man who is unmotivated and must be nagged to do anything. What is the old saying (not sure if it’s always true): Behind every nagging wife is a lazy or a passive-aggressive man. (I suppose someone could also argue that behind every unmotivated man is a nagging wife.)

So much more could be said. The main point here is to walk with Jesus, and you will most likely be attracted to someone who is at the same level of spiritual maturity as you. The moral, then, is, Keep growing. Love Jesus and people will be attracted to you because you carry the fragrance of Christ.

Get marriage right. The wrong choice could impact the two most critically important aspects of life, namely, Master and Maturity.

Men, don’t pursue beauty over godliness. Never allow your sexual arousal to cloud your vision for who God wants in your life as a compassionate mother to your children and a faithful wife to you for decades to come.

Women, allow men into your heart who will love you instead of control you. You may feel safe and protected by the man’s domination, at least originally. Later, you will find that you are being used and abused, not loved and served.

Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife ~ Dave Willis

In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give ~ C.S. Lewis