BP 209
What do you think is the most difficult thing to do on this planet? Completing an Ironman Triathlon? Riding a half-crazed, 1500-pound Braham bull for six seconds? Climbing Mount Everest? Becoming a billionaire? Solving the Rubik’s Cube in under four seconds? Being able to define gravity? Explaining what consciousness is?
No doubt all these things are extremely difficult to accomplish if not impossible, but I will assert that the most difficult things to master on this planet are relational. Some examples are forgiving someone who deeply hurt you, loving your enemy, serving your spouse when he or she does not respect you but is actually dismissive of you, letting go of burning jealousy toward someone, loving a God you cannot see.
I want to add to this list of relationally difficult things one additional item . . . simply getting close to another person.
Not physically. Walking beside another person bodily or even having sexual relations with someone is easy. In fact, sexual “intercourse” often is a means of avoiding emotional and spiritual intercourse (know that the first definition of “intercourse” on the Google dictionary site is “connection or dealings between persons or groups”—not sexual relations but social relations).
Sexuality is also a way to feebly and fleetingly connect with someone with your body when you don’t know how to get close on the heart level. It is the default action people instinctively escape to when they don’t even know what real love is. Settling for sex when you could instead work at developing deep emotional intimacy is like settling for being an astronomer with a department store telescope when you could train to be an astronaut and walk on a distant planet one day.
So, why is it so difficult to have emotional intimacy—loving, transparent, honest “withness”—with another person, even for believers in Jesus who now have agape love in their hearts?
Interpersonal closeness is almost impossible because when you move toward another person to make genuine emotional contact at the heart and soul level, there are so many obstacles that are encountered. Most of us probably give little thought to these distancing factors, so let’s identify some of the impossible impediments that rise up like The Great Wall of China preventing the practice of in-to-me-see leading to Godly love.
+ Projection: Putting into the other person what is true about you that is unacceptable or bad. For example, if you are a highly critical person, you might subconsciously or unconsciously rid yourself of your criticality by projecting it into the person you are interacting with. You will then see this ugly trait in him or her instead of seeing it in you. Thus, you are no longer bad for being critical since you have placed it into the other person. So how does projection interfere with emotional intimacy? You are not being genuine, of course. That is one problem. You are using the other person as a scapegoat for your sin. That is another problem. An even bigger problem is that if you project your critical spirit onto the other person then you will eventually fear that he is thinking critically about you in his mind. You will assume that he is being like you, that is, examining you with a view toward finding fault in you. Consequently, you will defend yourself by not letting the other person see the authentic you. Here we witness a major obstacle to intimacy. As a personal example, I once knew a man who was extremely quiet, meek, even mousy–and impossible to know. He remained that way until he discovered through therapy that he was projecting his rage (primarily due to his shaming, emotionally volatile father) into others. As long as he got rid of his rage by placing it onto others, he was then free from his anger (on some level) but consequently afraid of others because they now housed his renounced rage. He couldn’t let anyone close because they would destroy him with their (his) rage.
+ Transference: Seeing in the person you are speaking with another person from your past with whom you have big, unresolved issues. An example might be if your father was emotionally fragile and always wanted you to praise him and inflate his ego, you might assume all men are fragile, shallow, and hungry for affirmation. Accordingly, you will morph into caretaker mode with any man you are with since that is the role you learned with your father. If you make him feel good, he will like you but if he perceives you are devaluing him, he will devalue you. Another option in this transference example is that you will see all men as self-centered pigs and defy them to their face, believing that females are the superior race rather than the world of weak men.
+ Current mood: The affective mood you are experiencing in the moment will impact how you relate to the person with whom you are speaking. You might be in an irritable state if your dog was euthanized two days ago. Your listener—let’s say it’s Jim–may take your mood personally, assuming that you are mad at him. Jim may then decide to avoid you in the future because you have offended him not with momentary irritability but with what he might perceive as unpredictable moodiness.
+ Double tracking: Mandy can be so critical of herself or worried about offending her listener that she not only tracks the ongoing outward conversation, but also keeps a running analysis going in her head about how she is relating or how the other person is perceiving her. Mandy might look like she’s fully listening to Tori but inside her head she is kicking herself for commenting on Tori’s dress thinking that Tori will think that she is actually making a veiled criticism of her weight. Mandy might also fear that she is coming across as flattering or condescending or that her face looks disinterested and that Tori might think she is bored with her. Lots of thoughts can go through a person’s head as they double track during a conversation. This double tracking will detract from being fully “with” the other person—another obstacle to intimacy.
+ Small talk: Many people will keep the conversation on the level of small talk instead of delving into heart issues. Popular small talk topics are restaurants, food, sports, weather, gossiping about other people, talking about where online to buy that shirt that looks so amazing, where to get the best ale or lager, what firearm someone prefers to conceal and carry, what is the latest Netflix series you find amazing, or describing past or future vacations. Small talk has its place—often as a transition into deeper talk–but if it stays on that shallow level, you will never know each other’s heart. The safe, shallow water of small talk is the heart’s nemesis to being known and seen.
+ Natural, innate distance: Our fallen natures are bent toward separation and distancing ever since the alienating fall in the Garden. We are inherently bent toward hiding—just like Adam and Eve. We can often hide behind “good” things.
+ Self-protection: Speaking of hiding, humans are experts at camouflage, smoke, and mirrors. We know how to hide our true self so that we will not be seen for who we really are. If we are seen, we may be hurt yet again or our badness will be exposed so it is safer to hide and protect at all costs– even to a fault, namely, to the point of utter aloneness.
+Trauma response: Due to past trauma, some individuals are simply not in touch with who they are so how can they let someone else see them? As a child, you may have learned to compartmentalize your true, vulnerable self that houses all your abuse memories and terrifying emotions and so you are not currently able to let others know you on a deep level because you don’t even know you.
+ A profound fear of being unlovable usually traceable back to messages from others in childhood.
+ A corollary to the above is the belief that others simply are incapable of loving you so don’t risk getting too close to anyone because they will never love you.
+ A belief that others will never really know you: Some people believe that they are aliens on the earth, that they are so different from others that no one will be able to translate their heart language or deeply understand them, so they withdraw and reveal only a façade of themselves.
+ Judgment (this distancing factor could be placed under projection because it is related): Sometimes in a Christian culture that is more steeped in legalism than grace, the church is quick to emphasize “shoulds”, and rules, and moral standards above love, grace, and mercy. In this type of religious climate, followers of Jesus feel that they need to be perfect or that justification and sanctification are synonymous, that there is no spiritual growth learning curve but that they need to be mature immediately. In this environment, people relate to others under a shadow of judgment. Therefore, they tend to hide the things they struggle with and instead smile and pretend they are fine. How can people be close and transparent if they must hide out of fear of spiritual judgment? So much for Jesus empathizing with our weakness.
+ The cultural climate: We are living in a so-called “cancel culture” where people are quick to indict and condemn and scapegoat those who disagree with their beliefs, moral choices and subjectively chosen identities.
+ Shame, both general and specific: Shame is a global sense of being less than others, running far behind others in the race of life. Shame drives people to hide because if others see who they really are, they will be identified as bad, immature, less worthy, or unlovable. These individuals are capable of creating a caste system in their minds and identifying themselves as the outcasts in this self-imposed social hierarchy. They believe they will always be behind.
+ Sexual tension: Sometimes when a man and a woman enter each other’s space, there is a tension that can occur due to being different genders. A woman has a strong desire to be chosen by a man and a man has a strong desire to be respected as a worthy and desired leader. These desires are always at play in the subterranean caves of the heart. Beyond that, there can be a tension flowing solely from sexual desire. Sometimes this desire is not bad, but often it complicated by the presence of the flesh that wants what it wants when it wants it. The woman might fear that the man will find her unattractive and the man might worry that the woman will think he finds her attractive. Uneasiness arises quickly with this sexual/gender tension.
+ Satan’s burning desire to isolate you since he is the author of separation and aloneness: The dark prince of this world opposes God’s plan to reconcile you to Himself and invite you into His eternal family via spiritual adoption. Satan lusts to lie and accuse you in a way that you will not move toward people to be know but move away from them and God and so dwell alone in relational twilight. Never forget that Satan wants to steal and kill and destroy. What do you think the thief is trying to steal from you? Look at the two great commandment about loving God and loving others as you love yourself. He wants to destroy the loving bonds you have on all three levels.
+ Unspoken family of origin rules: When Sarah moves toward another person to interact, she brings with her all the old family of origin rules that interfere with being known and seen. Some of these unspoken rules are: Be nice. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Anger is destructive so always swallow it and hide it behind a smile. Never offend anyone else so be sure to never set any boundaries that others will not like or will be hurt by. Don’t be a baby and cry. Don’t be weak. Be strong. To ask for help is selfish. Do you see how these rules oppose intimacy?
+ The lie(s) that Satan plants in the heart of every child: DTFL has in other posts mentioned that Satan places a lie in every child’s mind before the age of ten that absolutely kills relationship. What are these lies? One common one is that you are a burden so don’t bother people. Another one is you are not lovable as yourself so you must bring something (caretaking, financial benefits, flattery, your body in sexual union) to the other person so that you will be likable. Yet another is you are a boring person and no one will enjoy listening to you so shut up already. Is it interesting to you that Satan’s lies and unspoken family of origin rules can often overlap?
+ Embarrassment/insecurity about your physical body can create a high level of interfering self-consciousness when you speak with others.
+ Comparison/competition: How often do people walk up to another person and in their private thoughts immediately compare themselves? For men, it might be a comparison based on height, muscle mass, job level, education attained, or the feeling of being a wimp in the presence of an alpha male. For women, it might also be body related, e.g., comparing legs, hips, breasts, facial beauty, or charm and hidden magical aphrodisiacs. There might even be comparisons around family of origin—Sam might feel that Noah came from a privileged family that gave him a leg up on life while his dysfunctional family tied anchors to his ankles, never gave him swimming lessons, and then threw him into the ocean of life. Beware of the interfering power of comparison and intense competition. You may never have space to truly know someone because you are too busy trying to measure up.
+ Intellectualization: As DTFL has alluded to in the past, some people have the tendency to remain in the world of facts, ideologies, philosophy, theology, batting averages, quarterback completion percentages, and obtuse mathematics that serve as a seemingly innocuous but tragic shield against emotional intimacy.
+ Threesomes: Some people do adequately or even excellently when they interact one on one with another person. However, as soon as a third person enters the interaction, they immediately feel awkward, left out, less than the other person, or even jealous of the intimacy between the other two individuals. These feelings will create immediate distance between yourself and other group members whether it be two or twenty people.
+ Our public self: It is said that we all have a public self and a genuine self. Sometimes, when we go into the world and interact with others, we automatically put on a mask that covers who we really are on the inside so that we will be safe from rejection when in the presence of others. People will see our mask but often miss who we are behind it.
+ Sin: God brings conviction and true guilt through His Holy Spirit to move Jackson to godly sorrow and repentance while Satan or his fallen flesh convinces Jackson that he is an embarrassment and a disgrace for viewing pornography earlier that day. His reflexive response is to hide because he believes that people have x-ray glasses to see right through him and know that he has sinned. Jackson then believes that he is disqualified from the world of healthy relationships and must always wear a spiritual mask to cover his bad self that keeps sinning. Sexual sin has a strong power to create self-consciousness and feeling disqualified. No wonder scripture says that when we sin sexually, we sin against ourselves (and our ability to move toward others with our true self).
+ Self-hatred: Hating oneself is a dangerous anti-elixir that, when imbibed, does not promote self love but rather destroys oneself. Beware of the isolating impact of loathing yourself.
+ Selfishness: We can be so hungry and desperate to be loved that we have little capacity to love and really listen to others. We are there to take, receive, and be seen. How can closeness occur if it is a one-way street?
+ Mental illness that drives us into isolation due to fear, embarrassment, and a belief that we will never be understood or lovable or wanted when we are so broken.
+ We are prone to misperceive what people are communicating to us and so easily assume the worst message that confirms our internal bias.
Okay, we have looked at two dozen reasons why people can be in the physical presence of another person but still not be known or seen. Do any of these obstacles apply to you? Distance, hiding, separation, aloneness, isolation, and a sense of alienation are symptoms of the baseline position in this fallen world. Intimacy, love, and “withness”—fixtures of the Garden of Eden–are now the exception in this world. In this universe, we must fight to be close to God and others.
When you approach other people to communicate, mind the gap–the relational gap that now exists between you and them. Be aware of the factors that collaborate to create impossible distance. After the fall of humanity in the Garden of Eden, it is now natural for us to be alienated and separate from God and other people instead of being intimate with them—seen, known, heard, understood, and special. Being alone in the universe is normal.
“But God . . .”
“But, as it is written,
‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him’—
these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God . . .14 The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. 15 The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. 16 “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ” ~ 1 Corinthians 2:9,10,14-16
My primary point here is that as long as we are living as “natural” men and women—alienated from the presence of God–we will not be intimate with Christ. We will not have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, the Spirit who reveals God’s plans for us, who brings into our beings the very mind of Christ, who enables us to love others as we learn to love Him and ourselves.
As Christians, people who have gone from death to life, who have been born again through the Holy Spirit who now intimately dwells within us, who now love God, we can walk closely with the Triune God. We are no longer alienated and separate from God, but we are with Him, in Him and He in us, His friends and His family.
So, as children of God, know that even though you are now in the family of God, there are still dozens of obstacles that stand between you and God and you and others every day. Identify these obstacles and dismantle them. (2 Corinthians 10 says to “destroy” them!)
Open your hearts to Jesus and to others. Move toward. Stop hiding. Be transparent. Confess your sins to one another. Dare to move from surface relationship to actually being seen and known. Identify all your masks and “veil vestiges” and remove them with God’s help. Don’t shut up. Cry out! Cry out like Bartimaeus until you are heard and healed.
Jesus pursues you. He died so you can have access by grace to intimacy with God! He reconciled you to God the Father. Reconciliation is the doorway to intimacy.
Don’t settle for less than intimacy with God, others, and your own self. You have been created for deep friendship with God and others.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation” ~ Romans 5:8-11
