BP133
Have you ever had seasons in life when your relationships were dry or motivated not by desire but by sheer habit, when God and others felt far away? Some of these periods in your spiritual and relational walk can be deep, dark, and can lead to serious questioning of your faith, God’s presence, the love of others, or even the “lovableness” of your own heart.
Recently, I heard a young man speak about his experience of spiritual dryness. He described it as an absence of joy. His life felt empty, sterile, and bereft of any vivid emotional life. Interestingly, simultaneous to his lack of joy in his relationship with God, he was experiencing tension in his relationships with his family. Could it be that all relationships are interconnected and will impact each other for good or for ill?
I suspect all of you have experienced times like these. I suppose there are multiple reasons for such a relational desert with God and others such as life’s distractions, sin, depression, anxiety, aloneness, false shame, anger, falling into an emotional mineshaft of past unresolved pain, confronting life with ancient unhealthy coping skills that alienate you from others, or even spiritual attack. However, the focus of this post is not to look at the reasons for seasons of spiritual emptiness but the responses to such seasons of relational dryness.
As Designer Therapy for Life has discussed in other places, relational ups and downs are normal to the Christian life for all the reasons mentioned above and many more. On occasion, it may be impossible to identify the source of such dips or troughs. But even if we can’t always figure out the source of the relational aridity, we need to respond well so that we do not end up in an extended season of desert living or enter the dangerous territory of drifting away from the Lover of our souls.
As simple as it may sound, the best response to spiritual dryness, relational deserts, and emotional troughs is always to move toward.
Since seasons of relational dryness are often caused by distance from God, others, or even one’s own self, the healing response is to intentionally move toward. Are there times when we need to sit alone in silence and wait for God? Yes, Scripture speaks of such a season in Lamentations 3:25-28. But the point of such a time is not to shut God and others out and retreat into autistic meditation, but to listen for what God’s Spirit may have to teach us or reveal to us when all distractions that might interfere with His voice are quieted.
Humans naturally create relational distance. Our anger rebuffs others. Our bitterness builds an impenetrable wall. Our fear, distrust, and tendency to get wounded by others lead us to pull away. Our hidden sin and shame cause us to hide from God and others. Our deep fear of being unlovable prompts us to don masks that hide our true selves from other. Not getting what we demand from God and others triggers us to stalk off and sulk.
In short, we are very good at creating separation from God and others. We can even distance from ourselves because our emotional pain is too intense, or we fear what we might see inside us. It is better to remain ignorant and detached from what dwells within us. Ignorance is bliss—or so they say.
So, how are we to move toward God, others, and even our own selves when our natural position is to avoid, separate, hide, be alone, blockade others, or practice self-sufficiency?
We will not take time to discuss it here, but there are seasons of distance and dryness when you might need to move toward a person with skin on before you are able to move toward God or your own self. More often, probably, you will run to God first since you do not trust people, or you feel on the outside of the world of people looking in. You might feel rejected by those around you or so different from them that you are an alien to the race of other humans.
Occasionally, I suppose, you need to approach your own self first and identify what is going on within you that might be creating distance between you, others, and God. However, I think such internal spelunking occurs best when in the presence of others who can see you more objectively and serve as mirrors of truth for you.
But back to our primary objective here: How do we resolve seasons of dryness and distance with God, others, and self?
Concerning God, my observations from scripture is that He is always faithful to His children even when we are unfaithful. He says He will never leave us or forsake us. He tells us that there is no more alienating condemnation for His sons and daughters. He says that even when we sin, we are not to run and hide from Him but run toward His throne to receive grace and mercy.
God always wants us to approach Him. He does not desire separation but presence and intimacy. Satan is the dark engineer of separation, distance, aloneness, alienation, and being far off (Ephesians 2:1-3, 11-12).
Whatever the reason for the dryness, the lack of joy, and the experience of distance, God wants us to come to Him and dwell in His Presence. He wants you to move toward Him. Lament before Him. Weep and ask, “How long, O Lord?” Even when Adam and Eve attempted to hide from God after the sin in the Garden that created the Awful Alienation, He came for them.
What about when you feel distant, detached, or great ambivalence with people? The response must be the same as it is with God: Move toward. Move toward the father you fear and share your heart. Move toward your spouse or the friend who hurt you. Move toward the person who sinned against you instead of harboring bitterness toward him or her.
A lack of forgiveness (moving against) is probably the number one cause of distance for humans. Move toward other people even when your fearful, anxious, angry and bitter heart prefers the comfort of aloneness and the smugness of hypocrisy.
Do not move away from others or move against them. Move toward them. Of course, if some people are legitimately abusive and unsafe and they wish to harm you, then protect yourself against them. But for all others, move toward and speak. Remember that intimacy is described as in-to-me-see.
Lastly, concerning your own heart, do not cut it off but move toward it. Do not divorce your own needs, your emotions, your awareness of yourself whether good, bad, or ugly. Spiritually, do not distance from your heart because you desire to shut out God’s correcting and challenging voice to your soul and live life as you wish. Open the ears of your heart to hear what He is saying to you because to hear Him is to know yourself. Move toward yourself because self-alienation is the source of much anxiety, depression, loneliness, lack of joy, and relational dryness.
In summary, what are you to do to resolve periods of relational dryness or distance? First, avoid moving away from others because moving away obviously is antithetical to moving toward. Secondly, avoid moving against God or others with blatant or hidden anger and bitterness that burns the bridge between you and those you love. Thirdly, practice moving toward God, others, and your own self. Fourth, remember that the world you live in is characterized by separation. Your natural position is alienation and relational distance. It will be a battle to realize intimacy, presence, and love. Always.
Just listen to these words in Ephesians 2 that describe the person who is keeping God at a spiritual distance: “dead in trespasses and sins . . . separated . . . alienated . . . strangers . . . far off . . . having no hope and without God.” Talk about relational distance and spiritual dryness!
Yes, even as a believer in Jesus, you will find distance and aloneness to be a battle every day in this fallen world.
So be prepared for the struggle against relational dryness and separation. Plan on periods of distance from God and others. Know that you will be cut off from your own self at times. Be ready to counter your innate tendency to move away from or against God and others by cultivating the discipline of moving toward. Moving toward is synonymous with love and intimacy and it is opposed in this universe. It is swimming against the current, walking into the wind, climbing the sheer cliff.
In short, intimacy and love are impossible in this world. No wonder so many people are in counseling to deal with mental illnesses often caused by being alone in the world, or by feeling unloved, unseen and, ultimately, worthless and good for nothing but self-eradication.
Fortunately, there is a God who tells you that with Him all things are possible (Matthew 19:26), and that He loves you and delights in you. Since He is love, He will teach you the way of love by the abiding presence of His Spirit. He will teach you not to run and hide but to run toward and be known.
So, instead of being driven into isolation by fear, self-sufficiency, disobedience, and Satan’s accusations, allow others (and God) to see into your heart. Need them. Call out to them. Confess your sins to them. Be the first to be vulnerable even in the church where too often people feel pressured to hide due to fear of their imperfect selves being seen and judged by others.
Run toward. Forsake the desert of relational aloneness and seek out the oases of Presence, love, and being known. Never let fear or shame deter you from being seen by God and others. The natural position of humanity is separation and being “far off.” But God in Jesus has raised you up with Christ and now calls you “fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God” ~ Ephesians 2: 19.
The loving God created you and saved you to be with Him and the saints. So, don’t settle for distance and isolation. Tear down anything that attempts to separate you from your Savior and your brothers and sisters in Christ. Seek out a friend, mentor, pastor or counselor with whom you can do the work of removing every obstacle between you and others.
You are meant to be with, never without. Never alone.
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ” ~ Ephesians 2:13
“But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works” ~ Psalm 73:28
“The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth” ~ Psalm 145:18