BP26
Departing from the usual format, today’s post for Designer Therapy for Life will follow a young woman on a most unusual Advent journey . . .
In spite of the frigid air that lay siege to my unprotected ears and the exposed skin of my face, I felt warm. The twinkling, multicolored lights and the beautifully wrapped gifts that dressed the storefront windows aroused the holiday spirit within me. The waves of shoppers that rolled by soothed me with the mute fellowship of their proximity (how could anyone be lonely in such a multitude?).
Quarter-sized snowflakes soundlessly drifting out of the leaden sky crunched beneath my boots and infused me with a coziness similar to sitting beside yellow-orange flames dancing in the fireplace. The ringing of Salvation Army bells and the delightful chords of Silver Bells pouring from an adjacent store put a bounce in my step. I was immersed in it all.
I was intoxicated by the powerful passions that flirted with my senses. I surrendered myself to them–became one with them. I sensed that life is so hopeful when exciting stimulation stirs the spirit within. A bright happiness filled me as I walked back to my car, presents in hand, and then reluctantly drove away from Christmas heaven.
When I pulled up to the house, all was dark. I unlocked the front door and entered the crypt. (At least it felt like a crypt ever since Rob had died.) Throwing my coat, purse and Christmas purchases on the chair, I collapsed onto the couch and stared into the gloom that occupied the living room. Feeling like an addict coming down from a high, I sighed deeply and massaged my forehead.
The twinkling lights, the throngs of shoppers, the fleecy snow, the holiday music—had all forsaken me– now mere ghosts in the night. With them they took the delightful comfort of their fleeting bright presence. They left nothing—unless one considers emptiness something.
Exhausted, I closed my eyes. It was only then that I did hear something. As if coming from a great distance, the muted notes of Silver Bells echoed in my mind like a haunting song from the Phantom of the Opera. Eventually, I heard nothing. I think I fell asleep.
I knew even before I opened my eyes that something was amiss.
My nostrils were filled with the odor of damp earth, and I was shivering. Propping myself up on one elbow, I was shocked to discover that I was lying on a slab of limestone. Above me was a black vault strewn with winking stars, and before me lay a rocky, winding path that was nothing more than a donkey trail.
Frightened, I got to my feet quickly and surveyed the area. I could see little against the backdrop of the dark sky except the darker outline of rolling hills and a handful of small lights quivering in the distance. Having no other recourse, I got up and began to follow the path toward the distant lights.
Fortunately, one star directly above me cast an unusual radiance over the earth so I was able to find my way without too much trouble.
The lights grew in size until I found myself standing before a small rectangular structure of roughly hewn stones that was built into the hillside behind it. Looking closer through the gloom, I saw the entrance to a cave that glowed with light and warmth. Shivering as I was from the cold night air, I shunned caution and entered the cave.
While my nose was busy identifying the odors of fresh hay, animal dung, musty earth and smoke, my eyes scanned the small cave. By the light of three torches secured in sockets in the stone walls, I saw an ox, several goats and a donkey, its long ears pointed upward at the sound of my arrival. The animals eyed me briefly with a disinterested gaze, then turned back to their fodder.
Beyond the animals, in a far corner of the cave, I saw what looked like a feeding trough cut into the wall. My curiosity piqued beyond measure (I now had an inkling where I was even though it was too incredible to believe), I walked toward the trough with slow, reverent steps as if I were approaching the throne of God.
When I finally arrived beside the manger, my heart was pounding in my chest and I was holding my breath. I peered over the lip of the trough and saw a baby wrapped in small strips of linen. Filled with a wonder that only made my heart beat faster, I stared at the newborn baby while the words of Simeon echoed in my head: “My eyes have seen your salvation that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples.”
Then a strange thing happened. As I was staring into the manger, the baby began to fall away from my eyes. It was as if the bottom had fallen out of the feeding trough and the infant was tumbling down into the depths of the earth. Panicking, I reached down to grab the baby. So sudden was my reaction that I lost my balance and fell into the bottomless manger.
The next thing I knew, I was falling into a void. No, I wasn’t falling. I should have been falling, but instead, I felt myself rising as I fell deeper into the darkness beneath the feeding trough.
As I was rising into the depths, I saw, at a distance, the baby. Even as I was looking at him, he was suddenly transformed into a bright star. I shielded my eyes and looked away.
When I turned to look again, the star changed into a snow-white lamb with a crimson cross on its forehead.
Then, where the lamb had been only a moment earlier, I beheld a figure who was clothed with a long robe and with a golden girdle round his breast; his head and his hair were white as white wool, white as snow; his eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined as in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of many waters; in his right hand he held seven stars, from his mouth issued a sharp two-edged sword, and his face was like the sun shining in full strength ~ Revelation 1:13-16.
As I stared, my eyes wide and my mouth agape, a voice like thunder said, He is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. The name by which he is called is the Word of God. He will rule the nations with a rod of iron; he will tread the wine press of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh, he has a name inscribed, King of kings and Lord of lords ~ Revelation 19:11-16
When the thunder subsided, my senses exploded, and I found myself standing on a vast plain without beginning or end. Around me was a multitude of beings (were they angels?) so many that I could not count them.
These beings were unlike any I had ever seen before. They stood fully twice as tall as I (and I am not small for a woman), and their silken skin covered muscles that rippled like corrugated steel. On top of their heads were crowns boasting scintillating jewels of amazing size; draped over their shoulders were white robes sprinkled with drops of blood.
But what captured my attention most, were their faces; they glowed brightly, like so many miniature moons reflecting the light of the sun. It was only after I had considered these beings for some time that I realized their eyes were all fixed in the same direction on some object that, by the expressions on their faces, incited ecstasy within them.
Unable to see anything because of the excessive height of the heavenly citizens in front of me, I resolved to make my way forward so I could see for myself this amazing thing they were beholding.
I traveled through the forest of tall beings for a long time. My journey may have taken only several hours, yet it could have been three or four weeks. For some reason, time could not be measured in this place, partly because there never was any darkness or anything else resembling night. Come to think of it, I saw no sun there. So, what could have produced constant light?
Whatever length of time elapsed, my journey was punctuated by strange beauty. Shortly after I set out through the forest of superior beings, they opened their mouths and began to sing. The sounds that proceeded from them could only be described as unworldly, celestial. What wondrously glorious sounds entered my ears!
But not only did I hear their songs, I saw them as well! As the beings lifted their voices, the atmosphere above me grew dim as it was flooded with beautiful colors I had never seen on earth. They engulfed the plain in their iridescent hues. I gasped at their splendor.
The colorful music was not the only awesome phenomenon I encountered during my journey. Unexpectedly to me but according to some cue that all the beings seemed to detect in unison, the whole congregation of superior beings intermittently fell to the floor of the plain and touched their foreheads to the ground.
Whenever this mass obeisance occurred, the ground itself sang out in a deep, clear voice. But I never heard more than several notes of the song after the sea of heavenly host fell prostrate because I was slain as with a sword.
Collapsing to the ground, I remained unconscious for an indeterminate period. Whenever I came to my senses, the superior beings were on their feet again, their luminous faces fixed once again on the object that inspired ecstasy within them.
I have one last thing to report about my journey, namely, that the farther I traveled and the closer I must have come to the Great Object of Affection, desire began to grow inside of me until it was overwhelming.
For an unknown reason—at least at the time–I began to walk faster and push my way through the sea of celestial citizens with little regard for any remonstration they might make. My worry about their annoyance was unfounded, of course, because they were too intent in their focus. Besides, they didn’t seem to be the type of beings who would be annoyed by others.
Finally, after many hours (or more likely, weeks) had passed, I arrived at the front of the vast multitude.
Slipping past the last of the superior beings, I looked up and saw a mammoth thrown so tall that I could not see even the foot of Him who was sitting on it. But though I could see no one, I knew that a Being sat on that throne who was certainly other than me but also other than the beings beside and behind me. A light brighter than 100 billion suns was shooting forth from the bottom of the throne.
Beside the throne I saw a majestic light with its blinding glory for but a moment before I was once again slain as with a sword. As I crumpled to the ground, I had a brief awareness that I had seen the Christmas baby now glorified.
While on the ground, I had a dream. At least that’s what I think it was—unless it was a prophecy of what was to come. I was running toward Him. He saw me coming and ran to meet me. He swept me into his embrace, and I felt like I had finally come home. Never had I felt so warm. So safe. So loved.
It was then that I realized that heaven was not about a place. It was about a person. Heaven is wherever God is, and everyone there are those who love to be with Him. I also discerned that deep, lasting joy was never about fleeting excitement or pleasure. These things are so—ethereal.
Everything that means anything—peace, joy, love, presence—flows from headwaters of a personal friendship with God Himself.
When I awoke, I got to my feet. Knowing that I could not withstand the blinding light proceeding from the throne, I looked down at the ground instead. So it was that I saw a perfectly round rock lying at my feet. I immediately picked it up and held it carefully in my hands and examined it.
At first, I had no clue what it was. Then it struck me—this small sphere was the earth. So startled was I by this comprehension, that my clumsy fingers lost my grip on the earth and it fell to the ground and shattered.
Terrified and filled with grief, I bent over to examine the pieces that lay scattered over the ground. As I began to pick them up, I began to weep at the fragility of life.
To my surprise, among the pieces of the broken world, I found a small scroll.
With clumsy fingers that were now trembling, I opened the scroll and read the words that were written on it: He who sits on the throne will shelter them with His presence. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and He will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes ~ Revelation 7:15-17.
When I had read all the words on the scroll, I was filled with a great peace and an unparalleled joy. In my happiness, I looked up at the massive throne towering before me and briefly beheld the blinding light of the One who sat thereon. Then my eyes were covered as with a veil and I felt myself falling again . . .
I awoke with a start. Opening my eyes and sitting up, I saw the outline of a lamp and a coffee table. I also saw my coat, my purse and my strangely flimsy merchandise lying on the chair where I had deposited them earlier.
For a long time, I paused to orient myself to my earthly surroundings (I felt like I had been gone for several months). Finally acclimated to my mundane surroundings, I fell on my knees and began to pray.
Creator of the earth and the heavens, you who are the Beginning and the End, let me not seek to be comforted by the pleasures of this world. Let me not be satisfied with the world’s celebration of Christmas, with its interpretation of reality.
Allow me to see beyond the physical realities of this existence that are wisps, shadows, mere breaths of what is beyond. Jesus, you who incredibly entered this world as a helpless infant but who will one day ride forth in glorious power and majesty against your enemies, let me not be distracted by the shell of reality that daily assails my senses, convincing me that what I see and touch is all there is.
Cause me to see through your eyes, Jesus my Immanuel. Lead me to love you and all those around me. Give me new eyes to see life from the eternal perspective.
Trillions and trillions of years after the last note of Silver Bells has been swallowed by eternity, I will be singing your praise in the midst of the great congregation in the Holy City in . . . your Presence. Nothing else really matters—even by what death I am taken to your side.
Christmas—a time to look back, and a time to look forward to home. I will indeed be home for Christmas because of Christmas.
Behold, the dwelling place of God is with people. He will dwell with them, and they shall by his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new ~ Revelation 21:3-5