BP20
Years ago, in my practice as a psychologist, I worked with a depressed woman named Anne (not her actual name). She grew up in a family where the old axiom was lived out: Children are meant to be seen, not heard. She was shushed frequently by her parents who treated noise as if it were the plague and emotions as if they were downright dangerous. Practicing good manners was the apex of all virtues.
Anne was born with a bubbly personality but by age six had been conditioned to be quiet and controlled. Level. Even-tempered. Occasionally invisible. She became the consummate wall flower.
Scott Peck said, there are some people in the world who desire “to control others—to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves, to diminish their unpredictability and originality, to keep them in line.” Their aim is “to avoid the inconvenience of life by transforming others into obedient automatons, robbing them of their humanity.”
A number of these controlling people are parents. Some of them are motivated by good intentions. After all, it’s a difficult thing to teach children discipline and responsibility without occasionally slipping into some controlling behaviors. Other parents are driven by less noble intentions. They want their child to be who they want them to be and not who God made them to be.
Let it be noted here that parental deficits are not the only and often not the primary source of mental illness in children. Satan exists to steal, kill and destroy in the realm of the human personality. Also, every child is born already damaged by sin and prone to flee from God’s Presence.
Getting back to my client, Anne once told me a story I’ll never forget.
Her father was taking pictures of the extended family in front of the Christmas tree. Everyone in the picture was an adult except for my client who was six years old at the time. She could tell that her daddy was holding the camera at such a high angle that she would be cut out of the picture since she was so much shorter than everyone else. Since it went afoul of good manners to insist that her daddy include her in the picture, her response was to jump up and down as high as she could hoping that she could get at least her face in the picture.
This type of memory would normally elicit a chuckle from me and a comment on how inventive she was to get herself in the picture. Anne’s story, however, elicited deep sadness in me because I knew that it was emblematic of a sad reality for her: she was rarely seen in her family because her personality was discouraged.
To need, to make noise, to be emotional was to be a nuisance to the adults in her life who were barely making it as it was due to their limited psychological and spiritual supplies. Thus, to be a child in Anne’s family was to be predictable and to practice good manners. Her true self was not welcomed by her family.
I have mentioned elsewhere that depression may arise when the self is compelled to go underground. Leakage occurs when a person depresses/suppresses God-given aspects of themselves such as emotions or assertiveness or opinions or even facial expressions (wipe that look off your face).
To be healthy in this world is to fully be the person God made us to be and to freely be known by others as that unique personality. Anne’s story did not align with such a healthy purpose.
When people depress the self that Jesus created and so are not seen by God or others, common diagnoses that result are depression, anxiety and even narcissism to name but a few. What accounts for these mental health issues and how might they be healed?
We have seen from Anne’s story that there was a correlation between her depression and the necessity to hide her true self and replace it with a compliant personality that was largely a false, contrived self.
These words are not secular psychobabble. They come straight out of God’s word. The message of the Bible is that none of us are the true selves God created us to be in the beginning. Sin damages the human self in at least three ways: we are born innately fallen and rebellious; we then go on to live lives enslaved to the practice of sin; and we are sinned against by others who are also born broken.
Is it the fallenness of ourselves and the world around us that is the root cause of our psychological, spiritual and relational symptoms?
Yes, sin separates us from a holy God through our disobedience and the subsequent hiding due to our shame.
It is this hiding or suppression of ourselves that is very dangerous. God sent His son to die for us and pay the price for our sin, but we reject His amazing offer or carry on like we’re practical atheists. He asks us to approach His throne of grace, but like Jonah, we sail the other direction to aloneness and exile.
Obviously, when we hide, we are divorced from God, others and even our own selves.
It is not being seen or known that is most disastrous to us.
Before the Fall of mankind into sin and rebellion, we were made—more than anything else—to be like our Designer: relational beings. We were created to be with Him, seen by Him, known by Him.
When six-year-old Anne attempted to jump high enough to be in her daddy’s picture, she was demonstrating the universal truth that she was created, above all, to be seen and known. Experiencing the Presence of others at the level of the heart and soul is the deepest desire of the human heart.
Tragically, we often settle for counterfeits like something instead of someone, or for fleeting sexual hookups that have nothing to do with being known. In fact, these lesser things pull us away from intimacy and drag us in the opposite direction.
Besides depression, anxiety is another common mental health issue. Similar to depression, anxiety often results from aloneness and separation. Out of a fear of abuse or pain imposed on us by others, we hide. Because we believe the lie that we will be rejected if we are deeply known, we distance from our true selves.
Like Adam and Eve, we run away from God because we fear that He will be angry with us when He sees our badness.
Created to be seen, known and loved unconditionally, we flee from the Presence of the God who sees, knows and loves without condition. Then we find ourselves anxious because we’re alone and separate in the universe; and it’s a huge universe to be in by ourselves.
What about the personality disorder known as narcissism? How does it fit into this theme of being seen?
Some of you may know that in the world of psychology, two types of narcissism have been described: primary and secondary. Primary narcissism develops within the child as a result of healthy attention that a parent shows to the child via eye contact, approving facial cues, loving touch and verbal praise (not primarily praise for achievements but positive affirmations that reflect deep fondness for the child’s very being).
Primary narcissism is considered healthy and is generally free from deep hypersensitivity to perceived wounds and from massive self-centeredness.
Secondary narcissism often occurs when a child does not develop a healthy sense of self early in life. Sometimes the child’s environment offers little affirming eye contact, touch, facial cues and praise. A child may even be raised in world where the ingredients for primary narcissism are frequently withheld as a form of punishment.
The child may hear frequently repeated comments such as, “You’re so sensitive,” or “If your head gets any bigger, you won’t be able to fit through the door,” or “You’re such a baby,” or “Your brother doesn’t need that—why do you?” Or they may experience a prevailing, unspoken attitude that attention is for weak people but not for the strong and self-sufficient.
As a result of a massive deficit in attention (being seen, known, and loved for who he or she is), the child does not achieve healthy primary narcissism but gets stuck in a secondary narcissism that manifests itself in demands for Presence and eruptions of rage when important others do not provide the attention one is entitled to. This narcissistic personality has little capacity for others because he is too busy focusing on himself.
So, it does seem to be true that too little attention (and maybe sometimes too much) often leads to an unhealthy secondary demand for that attention. People are no longer loved as individuals but used as mirrors to get value and affirmation.
It is worth noting that sometimes the environment is not the main cause of secondary narcissism. The child may perceive favoritism in the family when none exists or may withdraw from the parents because of a lie planted and cultivated by Satan that they are too needy.
What is one common denominator in the development of anxiety, depression and unhealthy narcissism? All three are about deficits—perceived or real–in being seen, known, and maybe even loved by others.
The central point of this post is that we’re created to be seen and known. We’re designed to need attention. Many people—maybe especially in the Christian world—develop the belief that they shouldn’t seek attention—and indeed, there are dangers if that desire flows out of pride or the above-mentioned secondary narcissism that uses people as objects.
The question to be asked here is does faith in God make a real-world difference in depression, anxiety and narcissism? The answer is that He is the greatest source of healing for these forms of mental and soul illness that so often flow out of living in a world that is opposed to intimacy and the existence of the true self.
God sees you all the time. He never sleeps or slumbers, so He never takes His gaze off you. He never forgets you. Even if you’re the last sheep in the flock, he’ll leave the other 99 and come after you if you’re lost or hurting.
When the servant girl, Hagar, ran into the wilderness to escape the harshness of her mistress, God sent a messenger to meet her in that lonely place. He comforted the girl and instructed her not to remain alone and hidden in the wilderness but to return to her household.
At the end of the divinely appointed encounter, Hagar said, “I have seen Him who looks after me.” The well where she met God’s messenger was later called “The well of the Living One who sees me” (Genesis 16:1-16). God remembered, saw, heard and comforted this young woman. He is the Living One who sees you as well.
From the day you enter this world to the day you die, you have God’s full attention. He is with you and sees you from the moment you were conceived, then during all the years of your life, and finally to the end of your days.
Do you remember the name of Jesus that is so often mentioned at Christmas time? It’s Immanuel, which means, God with us. With. How amazing that Jesus came into our world to be with us at the depth of our souls. Nothing about us is hidden from Him—and still He loves us.
Concerning the beginning of life, the Psalmist says, “My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:15,16).
In the middle years of life, the truth is that in God “my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.”
Concerning the end of life, God’s word says, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (Psalm 116:15). In other words, He sees you and will be with you even when you take your last breath and then go to see Him face to face.
Anxiety, depression and narcissism . . . these disorders are so impacted by the experience of being alone, separated from others, hidden from God. But Jesus will never abandon us even in the outlying provinces of life. Remember, He came for you.
So, what are you waiting for? Run to Jesus and let him see you fully—the good, the bad, and the ugly. He will wash away your sin and shame and defy the lie that you are unloved and should flee to the wilderness like Hagar.
When God pursues you, He does not invite you to love others until you first have deeply experienced His love for you. The apostle Paul can attest to this truth. In Galatians 2:20 he wrote, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” God sees you. He died for you. He wants you to know that He loves you.
Practice His Presence and you will experience His attention day and night. He will call you out of the aloneness of your anxiety, depression and narcissism and fellowship with you.
And one day, you will appear with Him in glory–His glory, above all, but also your glory. You will see Him as He is, and He will see you. Will it not be a glorious moment to have His eyes gaze into yours and make your whole being radiant?
Either glory means to me fame, or it means luminosity. As for the first, since to be famous means to be better known than other people, the desire for fame appears to me as a competitive passion and therefore of hell rather than heaven. As for the second, who wishes to become a kind of living electric light bulb? . . . I was shocked to find . . . different Christians . . . taking heavenly glory quite frankly in the sense of fame or good report. But not fame conferred by our fellow creatures—fame with God, approval or (I might say) ‘appreciation’ by God. And then, when I had thought it over, I saw that this view was scriptural; nothing can eliminate from the parable the divine accolade, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant.’ With that, a good deal of what I had been thinking all my life fell down like a house of cards. I suddenly remembered that no one can enter heaven except as a child; and nothing is so obvious in a child—not in a conceited child, but in a good child—as its great and undisguised pleasure in being praised ~ C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory