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BP72

When I was in my early twenties, which is an eon ago, my roommate had placed a message magnet on the refrigerator door that said something like, The number one cause of depression is to believe you must keep everyone happy. I have never forgotten that one liner. While I don’t believe that making others happy is the primary root of depression, I do believe that there is a lot of truth to it.

Since so many people I have met over the decades have expressed a frustrating bent (frustrating to themselves) to please others, this blogpost is dedicated to them. Of course, there are those who have little to no self-awareness that they are people pleasers (PP). It is who they have always been, so they know nothing else. Sometimes, they might pause long enough to wonder how other people can be so brave as to say whatever they think without fear of repercussion, but they don’t fully realize that they are entrenched in a way of relating to others that is not healthy.

Instead of singling out a distinctive group of people who can be diagnosed as people pleasing, is it possible that all/most of us have a bit of this characteristic within us? We could possibly place people pleasing on a spectrum: some people do it occasionally while, for others, it is a way of life that permeates all their interactions with others.

Why do we seek to please people? I could go on for a long time discussing that question. For the sake of brevity, let me respond with one thought to begin with: We seek to please people because we don’t want to displease people.

So, why don’t we want to displease others? Quick answers would be because we are uncomfortable with conflict, we hate anger (the anger of others but also our own), we want people to like us, etc. At the root of it all, I wonder if we are simply engaging in self-protection. We are trying to take care of our fragile personalities that are highly uncomfortable when negative energy is directed toward us. Somewhere in there, we might struggle with authority that calls us out.

So, then, a primary reason for people pleasing would be to protect ourselves, or said a slightly different way, to keep the world around us predictable, safe, quiet, even controlled. We don’t want to be criticized or even corrected. Yes, I suppose it could be said that at the root of PPing is manipulation. Maybe it is not always apparent on the surface, but it might be true that PPs are attempting to manipulate others so they will be predictable. They reward others for treating them pleasantly, and subtly punish them for behaviors that trigger their inner shame or badness or discomfort.

In short, some PPs want peace and predictability. Why? Maybe they grew up with a volatile and abusive parent—an alcoholic, a moody personality, a rageaholic—who made their lives miserable. In this environment, they always lived on edge and soon learned to placate the unhealthy or evil personality in their life to avoid negative outcomes. They never wanted to trigger an undesirable reaction.

Could it be that some of us are PPs because of pride? We love positive feedback and hate it when others critique us, so we gear our lives toward garnering praise from others by pleasing them. We are always liked whether on social media or in the real world. Look at the Pharisees in the Bible. They could be defined as PPs who desired the praise of others.

Whatever the motivation may be, PPing is not healthy because it prevents us from being genuine.

PPs most times (always?) are nice people, on the outside, at least. They are usually easy people to be around. They smile even when they’re angry, they are usually/always willing to go to the restaurant or movie that someone else recommends, they seem to lack contradictory opinions so there never are any arguments, and they are not usually high maintenance because one way to please others is to focus on their needs instead of one’s own needs.

The downside is that PPs are difficult to know because they often do not say what they are really thinking. They can come across as a bit shallow. They can be perceived as social chameleons. They might not even know who they are because their unspoken or even subconscious goal in life is to focus on pleasing others instead of becoming whole, self-aware people—individuals who are even aware of their own faults and sin.

PPs frequently lack boundaries. Accordingly, they often will allow others to walk all over them. PPs are the dolphins of the world who make easy targets for sharks.

What are you to do if you see strong PPing tendencies in yourself? Here are a few things to think about:

• In your family of origin, if an adult in your world was moody, unpredictable, volatile, irrationally angry, it was not about you. These things might have come at you, but it was not your responsibility to take care of these people. Their emotional reactions were not (are not today) your fault. It is not your job to keep them emotionally stable or to fix them. They need to get help. They need to heal. As adults, do we make mistakes and sin against others? Certainly. So, own and take care of your yard, but ask others to take care of their yard instead of blaming you for what happens there (inside of them).
• PPs usually and ironically are angry people—deep inside. Since they believe anger is a bad emotion, they cannot express it and swallow it instead. But where does their anger go? We’ve talked in earlier posts about the Well, the Leakage, and the Volcano, so you know that emotions that don’t come up through the Well and are not allowed to be expressed as rage through the Volcano will then manifest in Leakage. Often, the PP will experience leakage in the form of anxiety, depression (see the opening paragraph above), somatic disorders like headaches and heart palpitations, and even OCD that leads them to keep their houses perfectly clean and their appearance impeccable. Possibly even high blood pressure, joint pain, and cancer can be anger or other emotions erupting in physical ways. Never forget: God does not want us to hide. He wants us to bring our needs, emotions, and our true selves up the Well and to the surface to be seen, known, and grown. Even if we are messy and sinful. Especially if we are messy and sinful.
• DTFL has talked about it before: don’t be nice. Niceness is a huge component of PPing. It is a vehicle of PPing. Nice means you smile even when you’re sad or angry. Nice is committed to peacekeeping, not peacemaking. It does not want to engage in any conflict even if it might resolve something or create deeper intimacy. Once again, the difficulty with nice people is that you never know if they truly mean what they are saying or if they really are saying yes when they nod their heads. They will remain largely unknown. You might even call them dishonest because they often do not speak what they think or feel. Of course, I’m not saying here that we should fight every battle as a way to avoid niceness. I am saying, though, that there are times when you do need to draw a line in the sand and defend, be angry, say no, disagree—in order to be real people, in order to love others. God can grow a real person. Hiding people are inaccessible.
• PPing is not the same as being a servant. It is not true humility. It is a counterfeit behavior that may look good on the outside but it is a mask, a false self.
• Jesus doesn’t want you to be a PP. The people in the Bible who were closest to God the Father or Jesus seemed capable of shunning niceness and being assertive with God in a humble way (most of the time). Jonah told God very directly that he was angry (even if his anger was unreasonable). David, in his Psalms, very honestly says things like, How long, O Lord? Mary and Martha both said to Jesus, If you had been here, my brother would not have died. Jesus does not want people who nicely give Him lip service or offer Him sacrifices with their lips (but not with their hearts) because they want to keep Him happy and/or avoid His anger. He wants honest servants and friends who will say what they mean and mean what they say. He wants you to be genuine because only then will you love and only then will your heart truly be open to growth.

• Picking up on that last sentence, PP don’t know how to love deeply. They know how to please and keep others happy, but in so many ways those things are self-centered. They are ways to manipulate others to like them, be nice back to them, even to take care of their fragile egos. PPing makes self-protection the goal instead of loving others. It is self-focused, not other focused.
• If you are a PP, you will rarely be able to correct someone in love because you’re so averse to anger and conflict. So much for, the wounds of a friend being better than the kisses of an enemy.
• Look at the example of Jesus. Was He a nice person? He was the opposite of nice. He was loving. Yes, love is patient and kind and does not keep a record of wrong, but Jesus also commands us to speak the truth in love. Confront others. Call them out. In love. God’s word says that the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will ~ 2 Timothy 2:24ff. If we are committed to PPing, we might miss an opportunity for God to use us to bring someone into the kingdom!
• There is no deep joy in PPing. No freedom. You will spend your life walking on eggshells instead of dancing for Jesus.
• If you are a PP, you do have a subterranean river of anger flowing through you. You might as well locate that river, bring it to the surface, and give it to God. Who knows, accessing that river might give you power to set good boundaries and be a warrior in this world instead of a nice civilian.
• Maybe it is extrapolating a bit but look at what God’s word says in Colossians 3:17 and 21: And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. . . . Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. Do you see any people pleasing in these commands? No, work heartily for Jesus in everything. Seek to please him, not people.
• Practice saying no, not to join the anti-authority crowd but so that you can be honest. Your yes cannot be a true yes until your no is no.

• PPs might raise children who are spoiled and undisciplined because the parents wish to avoid conflict. They live to please even their own children because they cannot tolerate negative pushback even from their kids. The children of PPs might learn from their parents to be nice and never develop the ability to set a boundary with others–and maybe even with their own selves. Danger might lie ahead for them like abuse and addictions. They might venture places they should avoid like the plague.
• Who do you wish to fear in this world? God or people? Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell ~ Matthew 10:28.
• Take the risk to be the self God created you to be. You never have to be someone else. Jesus did not make a mistake when he designed you. Be true to God and to the person you were made to be.

In conclusion, identify your niceness. Be self-aware of your tendency to be a PP. Being a pleaser will make you self-centered, dishonest, and limited in your capacity to love as well as your ability to grow.

A hallmark of the Christian faith is transparence and growth, not fawning compliance. Jesus wants you to be mature. His will is to make you like Him. Jesus did everything out of love. Love is not nice. Love is honest. Love will wound and it will heal.

In Lamentations 3, God’s word says, For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone. God will bring the grief of growth into our lives, but always, it is motivated by compassion.

Intentionally pursue the path of growth that will develop you into a compassionate person who challenges others to grow out of a heart of love instead of a spirit of criticism.

So, be like Jesus. If you see PPing tendencies in you, move toward a friend, pastor, or counselor and deal with it. Pray for the Holy Spirit to make you loving and honest, not self-protective and people pleasing.

Don’t be nice. Be real.

Be like Jesus.

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God ~ Colossians 1:9,10