BP 246
Are two-year-olds cute and demanding? Do they say I love you and I hate you? Will they listen to you one moment and later throw their peas on the floor? Will they sing and dance and laugh but then throw themselves on the floor in a fit of rage? Are they capable of hugging you tightly when they are happy and smashing a toy onto the floor when they are angry? Can they look like little angels (especially when they are sleeping) but later (when they are awake) act like fallen angels?
Yes, many two-year-olds can display what looks like bipolar behavior characterized by wide mood swings. Some parents fear what their emotionally volatile little children would be like if they were living in an adult body.
Are these erratic behaviors in two-year-olds signs of normal development, the fall of all humankind into sin and rebellion, or the result of early dysfunctional parent-child dynamics? Maybe the answer is yes to all three questions, at least in some cases.
Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler will tell you that infants, babies, and toddlers are not only growing physically but are developing through challenging social and psychological stages as well. She identifies four primary stages of growth: autism, symbiosis, separation-individuation, and object constancy.
During the stage of autism (0-2 months), the baby is in more of a sleepy, psychologically undeveloped state (although we know today that babies at this age are more aware than we first thought).
During symbiosis (2-6 months), the baby begins to develop an awareness of self and an awareness of mother but is still totally dependent on the mother and needs her vigilant attention. Symbiosis will generally go well for the baby if the mother is not cold, distant, or distracted by anxiety, postpartum depression, marriage issues, domestic violence, illness, or addictions that take the mother away from the infant physically and/or emotionally.
The third phase of development, the one Mahler calls separation-individuation, is divided into three sub phases that I will not discuss much today. Suffice it to say that during the season from 6-24 months, the baby slowly matures away from total dependence on the mother and becomes a separate individual—in most cases, at least, unless . . .
One of the major problems for babies/toddlers during the separation/individuation phase occurs if the mother has a difficult time allowing her child to separate from her. Here is the age where a child’s development can be highly compromised, arrested. Listen to how N. Gregory Hamilton describes this dynamic:
“The mother who did not differentiate adequately [from her own mother] often has the most trouble at this phase of her child’s development. Because of her own anxieties over separation, she may do quite well with a symbiotic child who gratifies her need for closeness . . . During rapprochement [the third subphase of separation/individuation], though, she may experience anxiety as the child differentiates. She may cling to the child when he shows the slightest urge to separate, or cuddle the child when she needs it, not necessarily when the child needs it” (Self and Others, p. 52).
Hamilton goes on to describe a worst-case scenario: “Some mothers will actually reward closeness and punish separation with abandonment; that is, if the child shows a bit of independence, such mothers threaten to leave. They may be distant, often leaving the youngster alone for long hours. Alternatively, when the child comes docilely to such a mother, she may wrap him in the warm embrace of fusion” (p. 52).
Alice Miller in her book, Drama of the Gifted Child, similarly describes a fragile mother who even a two-year-old must cater to in his young development: “There was a mother who at the core was emotionally insecure, and who depended for her narcissistic equilibrium on the child behaving, or acting, in a particular way. . . . This child had an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively, that is, unconsciously, to this need of the mother, or of both parents, for him to take on the role that had unconsciously been assigned to him. This role secured ‘love’ for the child . . . He could sense that he was needed and this, he felt, guaranteed him a measure of existential security” (p. 8).
The point I am making here is that even a child younger than two years of age is capable of learning that the way he is supposed to “love” his mother (or father) is to take care of her emotionally. The young child can be taught that he must meet his mother’s need to feel needed, or to not direct any anger or disapproval toward her. He might discern that if he attempts to separate from his needy mother, he will experience her as cool or rejecting but when he shows dependency, she will love him. He might also learn that he must avoid arousing his mother’s jealousy if he bonds too much with the father.
(Know that these same dynamics can occur with an emotionally fragile father. It’s just that mothers more often are the primary caretaker and also are more often the ones who display these types of rejecting/rewarding behaviors).
My encouragement to mothers and fathers who are emotionally fragile (and sadly, probably less likely to read such a blog post) is to clean the inside of the cup. Look inside. Allow someone—therapist, mentor, friend, Jesus!–to look inside with you and help you see your blind spots and grow.
You might need your little child too much; or use her to fill a childhood need of your own that was never met when you were young; or teach your child that he must be present for your needs instead of you being present for his needs. Unfinished business and unmet needs always roll forward to marriage or children. Be willing to grow with the help of God and those who care about you. You could change the trajectory of a century of family unhealth!
My word to those of you who have come from a home where your mother or father were emotionally fragile and needy and required you to take care of them is to examine your separateness. Are you still walking on eggshells or emotionally taking care of your parent or enabling certain behaviors in them that infantilize you or limit your personality? Some parents demand that their children function on a certain frequency that fits well with their personal needs and fear of anger or abandonment.
Also be aware if you have transferred your fragile human parent onto God. If you have, you may view Him (even on some unconscious level) as moody, unpredictable, or rejecting if you somehow hurt him or don’t take care of Him properly. Remember that your God in heaven is not fragile; nor is He petulant and needy. He is there for you. You are not there for Him except to receive His love and enter into a safe, compassionate relationship with Him where you will trust and obey.
Fragile, needy, and controlling parents, come to Jesus. He is the One who will heal you, comfort you, and make you strong. Look to Him and not to your own children to compensate for your weakness and insecurities. He will save you in every way. Children of emotionally fragile parents, come to God the Father for parenting and for the power to forgive the shortcomings of your parents. Love them. Set firm boundaries. Don’t parent your parents but direct them to Him who came to grow us all to be more like Him. Jesus matures people. See Hebrews 12:5ff.
So, child of God, run to the Father who is strong and loving, wise and present, never unpredictable but trustworthy. Peace lives within His gentle, strong hands. In His presence, you will be safe. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
10 “Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him.
11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young. . . .
27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint” ~ Isaiah 40:9-11, 27ff
“I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies. He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me” ~ Psalm 18:1-3,16-19