BP 165
Whether you are married, soon to be married, or do not even know if you will be married one day—this post is for you.
Husbands, a word to the wise: the best way to remember your anniversary in the years ahead, is to forget it once. Hopefully, you never have to experience such a dangerous moment. Begin a practice today of remembering your wife and showing her that she is loved!
Wives, husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended. Do your best to let your husband know that you see him and love him. He will notice your kind and constructive attention!
Wives, remember the 80/20 rule. It can cut either way in the marriage relationship, so husbands pay attention as well. This admonition came from Lars Gren, the husband of Elisabeth Elliot. He once wrote these words to Elisabeth: “A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”
Okay, enough of the introductory thoughts. Know that whether we are talking marriage, family, or friendship, life in this world is ultimately about Presence—seeing one another, knowing one another, loving one another, being with one another.
Nothing else really matters.
The problem is that humans are not naturally good at Presence–at relationships. We can be consumed by jealousy, bitterness, a competitive spirit, we want what we want, we are fixated on fairness, we hide in shame and fear, we build defenses to protect our hearts—even against love.
As a clinical psychologist, I have come to see over 40 years that the reason for most mental illness is a breakdown in being seen, known, and loved. The meaning of life is love but we are not good at practicing it. God made us for intimacy, but separation is what characterizes this world.
So, marriage–a dyad created for deep seeing, knowing, and loving–is in trouble right out of the gate.
Fortunately, the all wise and loving God was prepared with a masterful solution: He sent His Son to change our hearts from self-focus to other-focus and to give love instead of demanding it from others.
In this post, I’m going to share a few thoughts about how to love one another like Jesus loved us specifically in marriage:
Marriage is a Covenant not a Contract
Humans are born people of the Contract, but Jesus makes us into daughters and sons of the Covenant.
Contracts are about transactions—what you can get instead of what you can give. Marriage is about relationship. Covenants are about relationship and a loving promise to another person that come from a faithful heart.
The Creator of the universe–and of marriage–illustrated Covenant love throughout the Bible through His character and actions. The most vivid example of God’s faithful, loving Covenant nature is this: He sent His only beloved Son to give His life for us so that we might be in relationship with Him forever.
Marriage, then, is not a contract that says, “If you do your part, then I’ll do mine.” Marriage is a promise from the heart that says, “Even if you don’t do your part, I will be faithful to do my part because covenant love is not conditional.” Human love cannot do that. Human love is about fairness. Only agape love from Jesus Christ not only models for us but gives us the power to grow from fairness and compromise to the ultimate love of sacrifice.
There are two types of love in this world
There is the type that says, “I love you for what you do for me or who you will hopefully become someday—if I have anything to say about it.” The other type of love says, “I love you for who you are right now, and for the person God is growing you into over the next sixty years.”
Marriage is about giving
Many people go into marriage believing that their spouse is responsible to make them happy. Whether they are totally aware of it or not, they enter marriage for what they can get, instead of for what they can give. Jesus turned relational expectations upside down when He showed us that love is about giving–even dying for the other person.
Philippians 2 says, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name . . .”
Jesus entered this world as a servant and died so that you could be forgiven and be welcomed into the presence of God the Father. He gave His life for us when we denied His existence and even hated Him. He loves you that much. He came not to be served, but to serve. So, love your spouse with Jesus’ love that is not built on fairness but on humble servanthood. Be willing to give your life for each other.
Seek God for your ultimate joy–not your spouse
If you place on your spouse the weight of filling the God-sized vacuum in your heart, you place on them an impossible expectation. Eventually you will be disappointed and become resentful toward your spouse for not giving you what she/he should. So, begin with Jesus. Know His love for you, then give that unconditional love to your spouse.
“We [should not] make the mistake of thinking that marriage will provide the ultimate satisfaction for which we all hunger. . . . Only God satisfies the hungry heart” —Sinclair B. Ferguson
“When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.” —C.S. Lewis
It all begins with Jesus—not your spouse. Your spouse is not designed to complete you. As you seek Jesus first, you will be a better lover of your wife or husband.
Today after you say, “I do,” you will enter a new school called Marriage Kindergarten.
You are not in college or post graduate school. Don’t put that unreasonable expectation on yourself or your spouse. Do not expect even fifth grade performance from each other—yet. You are at the beginning of the marriage journey. As you spend time with Jesus, becoming more like Him and learning how to truly love, you may even eventually enter a post-doc program in marriage!
God calls you and your spouse into marriage to grow each other.
You are like gentle scalpels carefully wielded by God to surgically repair and grow each other’s heart. In this marriage, through each other, He will teach you how to:
SERVE
TRUST
FORGIVE
LOVE
SACRIFICE
CELEBRATE ONE ANOTHER
POINT EACH OTHER TO JESUS
You have three communication options in marriage
You can move against each other in unhealthy anger, you can move away from each other in passive resentment, or you can move toward one another, speaking the truth in love even if there is a little anger in it. Moving against creates warfare. Moving away from creates distance. Moving toward leads to intimacy.
Ephesians 4 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger . . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
It’s not what you fight about that is the biggest issue. It’s how you fight that will determine the future of your closeness. Learn how to move toward, not against or away from each other.
Don’t be peacekeepers or peacebreakers. Be peacemakers.
The most dreadful danger in marriage is if a man builds an impenetrable wall to keep his wife out, and if a woman slowly develops a smoldering contempt for her husband.
Be aware of these. They (always) co-occur. They are marriage murderers.
All baggage is opened in marriage.
All wounds, all fears, all insecurities, all unfinished business. Plan on it. Don’t be surprised. Marriage–like teenage children–will expose all your weaknesses, selfishness, defensiveness, sin. Try not to blame your spouse for exposing your sin.
Always look inside first instead of rehearsing the faults in your spouse
We are hard-wired to blame. Jesus tells us to look inside first. Avoid using your spouse as a scapegoat for your mistakes. Jesus says, “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s [spouse’s] eye.”
When you feel attacked and revengeful toward your spouse, remember Romans 8:31
You do not need to defend yourself against your spouse because Jesus is your Beautiful Defender. He says to you, “If God is for you, who can be against you?” Jesus is the friend of sinners, not their enemy. He loves you beyond reason.
When you feel offended or hurt by your spouse, remember to recite the following truth:
I can say, “I can’t trust you because you hurt me. Or, I can say, I can’t trust myself because I get hurt easily.”
Communicate by saying “I need” instead of “you never”
Be vulnerable enough to admit that you are not self-sufficient but need your spouse. Too often spouses speak in ways that immediately put their loved one on the defensive. Utter inviting words not incendiary words.
Marriage thrives when it is built on the bedrock of commitment and faithfulness
Marriage is not designed to be an open relationship but a closed relationship that then turns outward and loves the world. Distrust creates anxiety, self-protection, and contempt while faithfulness grows peace, love, and deep intimacy. Keep the ‘D’ word off the table because it creates immediate distrust.
Lastly, always remember UY Scuti
When your marriage river encounters whitewater, remember that its success does not depend primarily on you but on the One who created the largest known star in the universe. How big is God? He is big enough to create the largest star in the universe—UY Scuti—a hypergiant star that would require 1,068 years to fly around its circumference!! Yes, God is big enough to give you an amazing marriage—if you seek Him.
In closing, remember that marriage was designed to be built on the person and character of Jesus Christ. He is loving, faithful, forgiving, serving–and He sacrificed everything for you. Make Him the cornerstone of your marriage and you will learn degree by degree to love in a miraculous way that is not available apart from Him. Marriage reaches its full potential as you move out of Marriage Kindergarten and slowly grow grade by grade toward Marriage Graduate School—over decades of walking with Jesus.
My question for you today is, Do you know Him? True, eternal, selfless, covenantal love is only available in Him. Reach out to Jesus not primarily as a good example, but as the God of the universe who will dwell within your heart and transform you into a new creation. The Greek word for this transformation in the New Testament is “metamorphosize”—being changed from a caterpillar into a butterfly. Why settle for being a caterpillar for life when you can be like a butterfly in God’s kingdom?
Life is all about relationship—what you can give and how you can love. It’s not about what you can get. So, keep walking with the One who said,
“Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant . . .” Isaiah 55:3
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” Jeremiah 31:3