BP 168
“Existential isolation . . . refers to the unbridgeable gap between self and others, a gap that exists even in the presence of deeply gratifying interpersonal relationships. . . . Such isolation is to be distinguished from two other types of isolation: interpersonal and intrapersonal isolation.”
These words are from Irvin D. Yalom, a well-known psychiatrist, from his book, Love’s Executioner, in which he talks about the deepest pain of men and women as well as their deepest wants.
Yalom goes on to say, “One experiences interpersonal isolation, or loneliness, if one lacks the social skills or personality style that permit intimate social interactions. Intrapersonal isolation occurs when parts of the self are split off, as when one splits off emotion from the memory of an event.”
So, Yalom identifies three types of isolation, namely, isolation from others, from self, and then a shared, existential isolation that all men and women experience in a universe because it has no meaning.
“While there is no solution to existential isolation,” Yalom writes, “therapists must discourage false solutions. One’s efforts to escape isolation can sabotage one’s relationships with other people. Many a friendship or marriage has failed because, instead of relating to, and caring for, one another, one person uses another as a shield against [existential] isolation.”
Interpersonal and intrapersonal isolation can be remedied according to Yalom, but existential isolation is an unchangeable given in a universe where we are born alone and die alone. He makes the assertion that human are “meaning-seeking creatures” but then adds the somewhat confusing comment that in this universe there is an “absence of any obvious meaning or sense of life.”
Here is the point where C.S. Lewis would say, “Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing . . . I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find until after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same” ~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.
In Lewis’ view of the universe, if humans are meaning-seeking creatures, meaning exists.
So, Yalom does not believe that there is an ultimate meaning to life, but Lewis does. And where did the atheistic Lewis arrive at the believe that there is ultimate meaning in the universe? From the word of God.
1 Corinthians 2:11ff says, “For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual. The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.”
We must receive the Spirit who is from God to understand the things of God. Otherwise, left to our own human discernment, we will see the invisible things of God as folly. Without God’s Spirit to give us spiritual discernment, we will believe there is no God or that, even if He does exist, we cannot know Him. Atheism or agnosticism are our options.
Are you an atheist? Are you a Christian? Are you a Christian who believes in God but at times lives like a practical atheist? In other words, do you intellectually believe and confess that Jesus is Lord but often do not experience your faith at the heart level? Maybe there are times when you might even agree with Yalom, that you are a “meaning-seeking” person but feel like there is no obvious meaning to life. If there is a God, where is He? Show up already.
Are you indeed existentially alone in the universe, feeling like you are born alone and destined to die alone?
If you do not believe in the existence of God or are tempted to abandon your current faith, you might be ready to embrace Yalom’s existential view of life and the universe. You might, like him, believe that the four main “givens” relevant to life and psychotherapy are death anxiety, freedom to create our own meaningful reality (relativism), existential aloneness, and the absence of meaning.
I deeply respect the mind and therapeutic work of Irvin D. Yalom. However, I absolutely part ways with him on the topic of existential isolation. He embraces and settles for a universe without a divine being in it named Jesus. Yes, he describes through a character in his book, Lying on the Couch, Jesus, Buddha, and Socrates as “healers who had ministered to despair.” But he stops there and builds his whole approach to psychotherapy on the belief that there is no supernatural God.
So, Designer Therapy for Life unequivocally parts ways with Yalom relative to existential aloneness in the universe and instead embraces the words of JC Ryle who said in reference to Mary of Bethany in Luke 10:38ff, “The true Christian’s portion is the grace of God. This is the ‘good part’ which he has chosen, and it is the only portion which really deserves the name of ‘good.’ It is the only good thing which is substantial, satisfying, real, and lasting. It is good in sickness and good in health–good in youth and good in age, good in adversity and good in prosperity–good in life and good in death, good in time and good in eternity. No circumstance and no position can be imagined in which it is not good for man to have the grace of God.”
Yalom would say that when men and women follow Jesus as their God and Savior, they are constructing a religious “myth” that gives them meaning in the face of meaningless and comfort to counter death anxiety. Yalom states, “It is here, in the idea of self-construction, where anxiety dwells: we are creatures who desire structure [meaning?], and we are frightened by a concept of freedom which implies that beneath us there is nothing, sheer groundlessness.”
I totally agree with Yalom when he says, “This encounter, the very heart of psychotherapy, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people. . .” but I disagree when he says that “This existential dilemma—a being who searches for meaning and certainty in a universe that has neither—has tremendous relevance for the profession of psychotherapist.”
So, if there is any obstacle in your heart that creates interpersonal or intrapersonal isolation, seek out an obstacle remover (mentor, therapist) who does not settle for existential isolation but believes in the true presence of a God who called Abraham “My friend.” You will have need of a divine Savior and Friend in this fallen world where intimacy is the exception and isolation is the rule.
Never settle for “sheer groundlessness.” Instead, make a place next to Mary of Bethany sitting at the feet of Jesus. Your life will be totally grounded in His existence as the Creator and Sustainer of the universe who died for you and who will call you into His presence one day.
Jesus has gone before you through death and was raised to life. If you walk with Him, you also will cross the Jordan and enter the Promised Land of eternal life.
There is no death anxiety—only the certain presence of Jesus, your Savior and friend.
When you sit at Jesus’ feet like Mary did and practice His Presence, you are never condemned to existential isolation! Jesus says that He will be with you always, to the end of the age, i.e., until you arrive at your Forever Home with Him!
“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her” ~ Luke 10:38-42.