BP 147
Sometimes I begin to write a post but back out of it because I do not feel confident about the content. This post fits that category, but I am going to write it anyway because I have listened to too many female hearts to ignore the topic. I suppose this post may appear to be written primarily to challenge men to love the female soul, but it is also written for the female heart to honor who God has created her to need even if it feels too vulnerable.
Why did God create the man to be an initiator, a lover of the soul, a pursuer? I believe one primary reason is because God created the woman with the need to be chosen, to be pursued, to be seen and remembered by a man who is God’s representative. I’m not saying that men never desire to be chosen, but that for the female heart it is quintessential to be chosen.
How many girls even at the age of ten have dreamt about their wedding day? How many women listen very carefully to what a man is saying to their heart when he might be totally oblivious to the weight of his words? How many women are the bridesmaid on the wedding day but long so deeply to be the bride? What is behind these dreams and desires of a woman?
I believe at the core of a woman’s heart lies a deep longing to be chosen. Could it be that God created men to choose and for women to be chosen? I’m not saying that a women can never initiate in a relationship with a man or never be involved in choosing. I’m just saying that I think it is built into a woman’s psyche to be chosen. Meanwhile, men are built to be esteemed, admired, noticed for their performance even if it means jumping on a grenade.
A woman might prefer to hear, “I want you,” whereas a man might prefer to hear, “You have what it takes.” “I want you” is highly related to knowing one is loved, maybe even desired, whereas “You have what it takes” is more related to knowing one is respected, courageous.
So, men, be aware of the need in a woman to be chosen. Possibly, every woman around you has some of that desire to be chosen in her heart.
Husbands, communicate to your wife that she is desirable and chosen by pursuing her for a date night or quality time together. Be very intentional to go beyond your basic need for sexual intimacy and desire her for her heart. Cultivate love for her soul.
If sexual intimacy is not high on your list—true of some men—be sure not to let other affections interfere with your choosing of her, idols such as work, sports, money, or even excessive relaxation that has an entitled quality to it.
Choose her over what comes easy for you. Loving your wife is an uphill journey, so start climbing.
Boyfriends, begin now to cultivate the priority of clearing your mind of all distractions and looking your girlfriend in the eye (not just a glance). Ask her a thoughtful question like “What do you want me to know about your heart at this moment?” or maybe just volunteer something simple like, “I love you” or “I see you” or “You are a gift to me.”
If you are a man who is neither married nor dating, practice honoring women now. See them. Serve them. See beyond bodies and study women’s hearts. Work at loving women the way Jesus loved the church. Be increasingly disciplined about avoiding pornography because lust will teach you not to see or choose a woman for her soul. Maybe one of the best tools against pornography is knowing that you are here not to be gratified but to love a woman’s heart as He does.
Men, the main point here is to practice making your wife, girlfriend, or female friend feel chosen, special, honored. To not feel chosen is one of the worst experiences for a woman. It is often equivalent to rejection and abandonment. So, by the power and love of Jesus, reach out to a woman and communicate to her that she is an eternal being who is seen and loved by you.
Some women have experienced so much rejection that they guard themselves against love. It hurts too much to expect to be chosen or desired. Everyone else gets chosen but her heart seems to be undesirable to men. It is easier to be numb, to erect invisible walls of protection, or even to self-harm.
Other women develop bitterness or anger that, unfortunately, does not attract men but serves to repel them. This bitterness may be quite subtle but still function as a stiff arm that pushes the opposite gender away, becoming very much a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Women, be very careful how you defend yourself against the fear of not being chosen or the pain of not being seen.
Men, be careful not to contribute to that fear or pain by what you do and what you don’t do. Don’t teach a woman that she will only be used for your selfish desires—sexual or emotional. You may not be aware of how much power you possess to impact the female heart for good. Also, be aware that what you don’t do may hurt a woman as much as what you do negatively. Put away the video game and the pornography and the extra hours at work. Pray and think about how you can bless the female (s) in your life today.
Remember, men, God made woman to be chosen. To be desired. To be loved like Christ loves the church. So, see her. Listen to her. Genuinely hear what she is saying. Make eye contact. Pray for her right there in church or at work.
A woman I spoke with today wants to die because of her deep pain at not being seen. No one knows her suffering. No one sees her. No, none of us can read minds. That is not to be expected. Just try to listen and see at a deeper level.
A woman you see today may be dying inside. Will you have the eyes of Christ to see her? Will you love her enough to stop, turn, and look into her soul with eyes of love instead of eyes that look right through her?
Daughter of the King, do not hide. Hiding leads to sadness, bitterness, and a loneliness that is so suffocating you will cut yourself or desire the release of death. Always move toward others even if you fear being a burden or dread the guilt of hurting someone with your suppressed emotions. (As if they are that “bad” or powerful.)
Son of the King, break the chains of numbing distractions and trifling pleasures. Make it your aim to single out a woman’s heart to hear what it is saying. Do you not know that your godly love and kind presence in a woman’s life is a broad avenue leading to heaven itself?
Always remember, daughter or son: Satan wants to isolate and destroy whereas God wants to summon and love.
Women, open your hearts to be chosen. Men, open your hearts to choose.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds” ~ L. K. Hamilton
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” ~ Psalm 34:18
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” ~ I Corinthians 13:4-7