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BP103

The most difficult part of living on this planet for John is relationships. People always (in his experience) disappoint him and eventually end up abandoning him. They are always (in his perception) critical of him, giving him feedback directly or indirectly that he is self-centered, not a good listener, someone who takes things far too personally, much too controlling, a perfectionist, quick to get too angry when he perceives that he is being devalued, impulsive, and irritable.

Some have even told him that he burns bridges in relationships if he feels that others do not respond exactly how he wishes them to, often holding grudges for years.

John knows better, of course. He is not the problem. The people around him are the problem. They do not do things the way they should be done, and they are easily offended and dismissive of him. They do not know how to love properly and are much too insensitive. Most enraging, they are impatient and are quick to shake their heads and leave him when he is trying to communicate his hurt and anger toward them.

On the one hand, John often feels deflated and empty around others and wants to abolish all contact with people. He feels a strong pull to retreat from the world, hide in his head, and distract himself with abstract things like his actuarial job and the study of theology. He wants to avoid others because they frequently talk negatively about him behind his back and because they do things to annoy him, e.g., the neighbor who always parks his car in front of John’s house.

On the other hand, John hungers for attention–to be seen for his amazing contributions to humanity. When others listen to him, smile at him, and are amazed at his uncommon intelligence, he feels inflated, full, much like a superhero. When he is valued by others, it creates such a strong sensation inside his chest that he feels as if he is being resuscitated after drowning.

What is John to do? People inflate him or they deflate him. They make him feel full or empty. They value him or they devalue him. They see him or they ignore him. They love him or they hate him. People are always the best or the worst thing in his daily existence. When they are present for him in the way he needs them, he loves them because they make him feel lovable. When they are absent or abandoning, he hates them because they make him hate himself.

What is wrong with everyone? Why does everybody keep hurting him? Life would be easy if it were not for people! Who will ever truly appreciate him and value him–not just for an hour or maybe a day, but for a lifetime?

Psychologists would say that John has a personality disorder. In fact, he has features of several personality disorders. He manifests aspects of Narcissism in his demand to be seen and appreciated; Borderline in his strong sense of abandonment and splitting of self and others into good or bad; Schizoid due to his practice of abolishing relationships and retreating into his own private world; Paranoid as evidenced by his belief that others are talking about him and trying to irritate him with “innocent” behaviors that he perceives are premeditated to bother him or harm him.

So, what in the world are personality disorders? PDs are usually defined as deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and a way of seeing the world and self that deviates from what is normal. Individuals with a PD have developed a unique (inaccurate) lens through which they see the world. This view of the world often is experienced by others as eccentric or as a departure from how most people would see it.

People with personality disorders are often seen as cognitively and relationally rigid to the point that they experience chronic difficulty with others. They experience pain in relationships, often feeling abandoned, unseen, devalued, harmed, hurt, dismissed, or annihilated when no threats are intended. In other words, they are good at personalizing things from the world around them.

I believe that, like John, all of us have features of personality disorders. They are inherent in our souls as a result of the Fall and then exacerbated by others around us or by our own sin and learned coping skills. Personality disorders are on a continuum from, let’s say, 15-100. We are all somewhere in that range.

Many of us have mild features that never rise to the level of a professional diagnosis. Others are severely impacted by a personality disorder, falling above 70 on the spectrum. They will struggle chronically with relationships because personality disorders are disorders of Presence as DTFL says about most mental illnesses.

Some of these more severe personality disorders are due to being born in the batter’s box (abusive, neglectful, or otherwise unusually difficult situations) and making it to first base only after being beaned by life’s fastball instead of being born on third base (a relatively healthy family situation and a generally easy life in terms of peer interactions and freedom from physical impairments and tragedies). So, be careful about judging others even if they have challenging personality disorders and need to do some radical growth. You just do not know what they have experienced between birth and 22 years of age.

Of course, empathy must always be accompanied by healthy boundaries.

If we look at the example above more closely, John comes very close to meeting the criteria for a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis as per the DSM-5. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5^th edition (DSM-5), is one source that addresses PDs, identifying behavioral patterns that assist in arriving at a professional diagnosis. Below is what the DSM-5 has to say about BPD:

“A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).”

To be diagnosed with BPD according to the DSM-5, at least five of the following symptoms must be evident in John:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; this does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in criterion 5
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); this does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in criterion 5
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

The DSM-5 is not the only source of information relative to BPD. There are other modalities that go beyond the obvious symptoms listed above and attempt to understand the etiology (source) of the disorder. Some theorists look especially to the roots of BPD that go far back into childhood. They will make a developmental diagnosis, i.e., they will analyze the development of a person’s self in younger years (birth to five years old roughly) to understand where the personality disorder began long before it morphed into a diagnosis in late adolescence.

As I have worked with individuals who have features of BPD, or occasional breakthrough episodes of it, or have a full-blown diagnosis of the disorder that daily plagues them in all their relationships, there is one characteristic among several that stands out to me, viz., the presence of strong internal criticism in the BPD individual. The Psych Scene Hub online site mentions that a feature of BPD according to the DSM-5 related to the individual’s identity is a markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism . . .”

I believe that those who have studied BPD would agree that individuals diagnosed with this disorder often display intense anger toward themselves as well as to others (one of the diagnostic criteria from the DSM-5 listed above). Where does this intense anger come from? Does it occur when they feel abandoned by others? Yes. But why do these individuals experience abandonment by others?

Many theorists say that a person with BPD feels abandoned by others not so much because someone initially leaves them but because the BPD individual, in his anger, destroys the bridge (the emotional connection) with the person who has triggered something unsettling within him, e.g., feelings of being bad or devalued.

In other words, the individual with BPD often creates the abandonment by, in his anger, killing the relationship. Then he feels alone because he has ended the connection. He will often perceive that the other person has left him, but he is actually the one who has done the leaving.

DTFL has spoken in other places about the practice and power of projection that occurs when we take something within us and place it/perceive it in others around us. An example might be people of a certain political party or gender identity conviction or religious group who perceive any person opposed to them as hating them or judging them.

Frequently, the hatred and judgment they perceive in the other person is actually their own hatred they have projected (placed) into the outside person for disagreeing with them or triggering their shame. Here we encounter the practice of scapegoating, blaming, and “shooting the messenger” when we feel bad, guilty, or ashamed of ourselves and our behaviors but don’t wish to give them up.

Some individuals will not address the voice of guilt within themselves but will instead direct the badness they feel toward the one who aroused their shame. The triggering person will then bear their sin, their badness. The outside person becomes the bad one.

Sounds familiar, like something Jesus experienced but in a more complex way according to the divine plan.

What justifies the projection and the perceived hatred and judgment, at times, is that some individuals on the other side of the aisle, so to speak, do respond with hate and judgment. But that does not mean that everyone is a hater or that the blaming person is exonerated from his own inner hatred and judgment toward those who might touch his sin or badness. Sometimes, legitimate truth and correction is received badly.

Stephen touched the guilt of his listeners in Acts 7:57 by speaking God’s truth to them. But they cried out with a loud voice and stopped their ears and rushed together at him. Then they cast him out of the city and stoned him. Talk about the ultimate burning of a bridge! Good words can be received with hatred and even murder.

The primary point I wish to make here relates to why the individual destroys the bridge. As mentioned above, one characteristic of BPD appears to be the existence of an intensely self-critical voice within the person. I refer to this severe self-criticism metaphorically as a prosecuting attorney (PA) or alternately, a condemning judge, who want to throw the book at the accused. This internal judge is not motivated by proper punishment or justice but strives to annihilate the person.

Correction and discipline and even anger against sin are from God. Shaming judgment is the way of this fallen universe we live in. Angry, critical punishment designed to crush the individual is from the pit of hell, not God. Remember good old John 10:10 where Jesus reminds us that there is a thief in this universe who lives to steal, kill, and destroy?

Jesus brings life. Satan brings death. Unfortunately, in our natural state, all of us are capable of practicing the spirit of annihilation.

Even born-again Christians must be careful not to function as the PA or the accusing judge (AJ). Jesus warns us against this practice. He instructs us not to judge others, and He tells us that we must take the log out of our own eye first.

Paul admonishes us to not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting . . . opponents with gentleness ~ 2 Timothy 2:25. We are not to condemn others but to correct them. Jesus wants us to be agents of heaven and grace instead of colluders with condemnation and hell.

We don’t have much room here to discuss where this condemning judge (AJ) comes from except to say that the AJ can often be traced to The Four Horsemen of Annihilation. The first of these four annihilators that contribute to BPD is the inherent shame (badness, guilt) that results from the Fall. After we disobeyed God in the garden, we were all separated from the loving Creator Judge (Beautiful Defender of Men and Women) and left on our own without a defender to temper or remove the accusations against us.

The other three horsemen can be identified as: the sharp attitude of shaming parents or other adults who can eviscerate a child with the blade of judgment meant for their own sin or badness (see Scott Peck and The People of the Lie); one’s own self-rage and shame when enslaved to sin; and the murderous voice of Satan (see John 10:10) who was a murderer from the beginning and always seeks to kill.

When this spirit of annihilation is triggered by perceived criticism, devaluing, or abandonment, the child will eventually die (emotionally or even physically) beneath its crushing weight. The only other option is to project the voice out into the world and perceive it as coming from an external accuser who can then be hated instead of the self.

For any of us, if we experience a momentary BPD moment, we can hate our sin or hate the pastor who points out our sin. We can admit we were speeding or be enraged by the officer who pulled us over. We can receive consequences from healthy parents or teachers or become embittered by those who would dare tell us we are doing something wrong. We can love our idols or agree with Jesus that He is the One to be pursued above all other things. Even these examples seem to carry a splitting truth about them. If one is embraced, the other cannot be. Apparently, there are absolutes in this universe.

To reiterate, the primary point in this post is to elucidate that a person with BPD usually/always has been indwelt since toddler years by an annihilating voice, attorney, or judge. This annihilating voice is characterized by destructive criticism, isolating shame, and self-rage that leads the BPD person (because they have no defense attorney or protector) to either be eaten alive by these vicious carnivores or to escape the badness by placing it into someone else and being angry with them.

By so doing, she becomes good, and the outside person becomes the bad one. The person who touches her badness is the shameful one, the hater, the judgmental one, the angry one.

Sometimes the BPD individual experiences the worst scenario, viz., she hates herself with an annihilating rage and she also hates the world for devaluing her or for abandoning her. When both herself and the world are bad, there is no source of hope. Nobody is good. Everybody is bad.

The world of psychology often views the individual diagnosed with a personality disorder as incorrigible, not able to change because of the entrenched pattern of behaviors and rigid lens through which they see the world. Often, this perspective proves to be true. But are we as Christians meant to settle for this pessimism about change in a person with BPD? Are we to settle for a lifetime diagnosis that is depressing for everyone involved?

Of course not—if the individual admits he or she needs help even if it is without the use of words.

So, how does someone entrenched in BPD heal? Let me briefly list a few ingredients needed for the recovery of such an individual:

• The internalizing of a consistently positive presence instead of a critical, shaming voice. This presence could come from a therapist, friend, or mentor who understands BPD and does not pull away and leave the person if they project badness onto them.
• A person who can receive the anger and annihilation of the BPD individual without personalizing it or defending herself against it with anger and criticism. Often, the person with BPD has grown up in an environment where he experienced himself as the bad one who hurt others, broke them, or made them cry. Occasionally, he was even sent away (abandoned) emotionally or even physically because the fragile caretake could not manage the child. Sometimes when the susceptible parent was wounded by the child, the parent would not speak to him for days or weeks and would ignore his existence. Inside, the child was left to feel like he had terrible bad power that could hurt the parent so deeply he had to be sent away.
• Related to the above thought is the essential need for the healing person to contain the BPD negativity and know that it is generated by some other hidden factor like sadness or a deep fear of being sent away (abandoned) yet again for being bad.
• Jesus is the Healer of BPD. He brings grace, not a performance requirement. He brings to the BPD individual a totally new paradigm that says that your daily confidence is not contingent on being valued or devalued (a scale based on being good enough) but on unconditional love. Here is the hope of a person enslaved in the prison of BPD. Jesus says, I will love you no matter what. Yes, I will call you out on your unhealthy behaviors, sins, and coping skills that foster self-sufficiency and scapegoating, but I will always love you. Above all, I won’t leave you. Yes, I will make it clear that you, in your anger, are the one who burns the bridge and shuts me and others out of your life, but I will reveal those things to you not to make you feel bad but to help you see your sinful self-protection and your judgment of others that leaves you alone. Those who are grinding their way through life without Jesus, need to work with someone who can portray the patience, grace, mercy, and unconditional love of God. Then they may ultimately be more apt to believe and receive the truth about the Beautiful Defender who died for them and now stands before the throne of God reminding the Father that they are righteous.

Those who already know Jesus, need the ongoing, consistent, non-abandoning presence of a person with skin on who will help them rewire their beliefs, emotions, and projecting coping skills that helped them survive annihilation.

• Ultimately, the message to the BPD individual is that she will not be left even when she has big emotions but that the one present for her on the journey will be strong enough to understand and deconstruct the young emotions she experiences that she believes are much too strong for anyone to contain.

If love surrounds them, they can look at anything because even if they see sin or badness inside the walls of their hearts, they will come to see that Jesus’ strong love will never leave them. I Corinthians 13 says, Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

• After being surrounded by unconditional love, internalizing it, and then slowly coming to believe it and trust it, the BPD individual will slowly develop a defense against the PA and the AJ whose purpose is to condemn, kill, and destroy. This trust will especially be immensely aided if the individual has Jesus living in their hearts through the person of the Holy Spirit.

So, come to Jesus, the One who came to destroy the annihilator along with sin and death. Approach Him who came to cleanse you of all sin and shame and create within you a new self who is perfect in status because of His sacrificial death for you.

Above all, receive and learn the meaning of grace. Grace tells us that our status is never determined by whether we feel valued or devalued or by making ourselves good by blaming others. Our status of being good and loved comes from the One who will never leave us or forsake us.

Never.

He bought us. We now belong to Him. Nothing can separate us from His love.

Nothing.

The inner voice of condemnation, accusation, and annihilation cannot hold a candle now to the One who stands at the right hand of God interceding for us as our Beautiful Defender.

Yes, Jesus is the ultimate healer of Borderline Personality Disorder because He washes all badness away and replaces it with righteousness and unconditional love.

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? ~ Romans 8:31b-35a