BP 208
Do any of you remember the 1974 song, Cat’s in the Cradle? Many of you were not even born yet in ’74! Harry Chapin sang this popular folk song, but it appears that his wife, Sandra, provided the lyrics from a poem she wrote about a father who was disconnected from his son. Listen to it sometime.
The music and lyrics of Cat’s in the Cradle are hauntingly sad as they communicate the tragic distance that arises between a father and his son over a period of years. The father in this song is too busy with work, being gone, and doing responsibilities. He keeps telling his son that we’ll have a good time tomorrow when he has more time, but that day never comes.
Later, when the son is grown, the tables turn, and the son tells his father that he is too busy to spend time together but that sometime in the future they can have a good time then. At that moment, the father knows that his little boy who had always said that he wanted to be like his dad has indeed become his dad–too busy to spend time with the people he loves.
This blog post is written for men who are fathers and men who will be fathers and for all men who want to be present for the people around them. I am going to list a bunch of bullet points exhorting you men about how to not just be a good provider (or emotionally absent, i.e., unloving to some degree) but how to be a dad in the image of God the Father whom Jesus referred to as “Abba”—an intimate authority figure.
+ You have been created for relationship. All we need do is look at the identity our God—Triune—to know that our faith in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit is rooted in intimate relationship. For eternity, our three person God has been in loving relationship, and love is what motivated the Father to give His only Son to die for us. So, as an earthly father (or as a man without children who wants to be present for those around you as the Father is present for you) you need to be aware that teaching and providing and working are all activities you have been called to as a man/father, but if you have not love, you are “nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1ff).
+ Few men and fathers are aware of the power they have been given by God the Father. Know that your family rises and falls with your predictable presence. Sons and daughters are hungry for a father who, like God the Father, is strong and loving. Good fathers are not a luxury but a necessity. They are not a stone in the wall but the human cornerstone.
+ Make sure your daughter feels chosen by you or she may give herself to the first man who shows her attention. Be undistracted when you look at her. May she see your eyes smiling at her.
+ Speak encouragement over your son in a world that castrates men. Beam at him with joy, hug him, and teach him how to be a warrior for the kingdom and his future family.
+ Avoid doing a major project like building a deck or coaching your child’s team if it takes you away from being present individually for your son or daughter. Yes, all of us men are called by God to work and build and strive. Just choose wisely what will take you away from your family.
+ This fallen world is opposed to intimacy and bent toward separateness. Distractions, many of them which even seem to be baptized and holy, will take you away from the highest calling of loving God and your neighbor (including your wife and children) as yourself.
+Your presence for your children is more important than any gift you could give them even a Lexus with a huge red Christmas bow. It’s all about presence. Learn what it means to be with your kids and wife. Be a human Immanuel to your family.
+ Fathering your children is more important than any job you’ll ever have, achieving a lower golf score, how many deer you harvest or video game levels you master.
+ If your job compromises your presence for your family, resign and take a less intense job even if it is for less pay—if that’s what it takes to be delivered from the temptation of finding your worth in your work at the expense of those in your house. No need to think twice. Jobs and money are fleeting, children and your wife are eternal beings created by God for you to learn how to love.
+ Your children won’t absorb what you say or what you do as much as they will internalize who you are. Absolutely become the best man you can be on the inside. Keep becoming like Jesus from glory to glory.
+ God made a father to be an incarnation of Him. We’re not talking the incarnation of Jesus here, of course, but nonetheless, children often grow up to see God through their experience with their father. Be Christ to them.
+ You were created to carry authority. You can’t escape that calling. You will do it well, poorly, or try to run from it. Running from it is the same as doing it poorly. None of us like authority but naturally rebel against it so you will not always be popular. Avoid punishing your children. Instead, discipline them. Punishment is when you (angrily) rub their faces in their badness, mistakes, and sin while discipline is when you correct them so they will know the path toward obedience to God and the joy of walking with Jesus. Do not make your children feel shame for they have already been born under condemnation. Instead, teach them the safe boundaries of loving correction.
+ Know the difference between control and “guardrail guidance.”
+ The best gift you can give your children is to love Jesus first followed by your wife (or the woman who may become the mother of your children one day).
+ Do your best to give children quality time but also quantity time. Time is presence. Presence is love to them.
+ Strive to not just be a father but a dad. The difference between these two words may be just semantics, but “dad” has the connotation of someone who carries the great authority of a father but who is also approachable. Be the man whose kids will feel safe and comfortable approaching and talking about anything.
+ Related to the above exhortation, avoid passivity. Avoid being a nice man who jokes all the time and makes everyone laugh or quietly stands in the safe background. Sometimes such men fear all conflict, tension, and anger. They do not want to make others feel what they themselves do not want to experience. Sadly, they are not strong enough or courageous enough to speak truth in love that may hurt their child. Yes, always avoid harming your child but know that you will hurt your child at times when you correct them in love.
+ To fathers whose children are all grown up, continue to father them because you still have mystical power to impact their lives. Be willing to go back and ask forgiveness for the things you were not aware of at forty years of age but are aware of at fifty.
+ To fathers with children in the home, love your kids and wife as if you will lose them tomorrow. Losing may not be physical as in death. Losing may be distance and disconnectedness that occurs when you do not love them with vulnerable presence.
+ To future fathers and all spiritual fathers, grow now so your fathering ability will hit the ground running when you have children or are called by Jesus to be a spiritual dad.
Now for a word of encouragement.
Men and fathers, God’s precious creation, you are on a journey. Some of you were born on third base and thought you hit a triple; some of you were born in the batter’s box and got to first by getting hit by a pitch. Wherever you are in life and however you got there, there is time to grow. Remember the learning curve. God is patient with you. Just make sure you’re taking intentional measures to grow. Becoming like Jesus doesn’t happen randomly. You must cultivate it both in those hidden places of your heart with the Holy Spirit and in community with other men.
Finally, be like the God of Psalm 103 where it is written,
“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him”
Men and fathers, be like your heavenly Father: may your first nature increasingly be compassion, mercy, grace, patience, and loving Presence. Yes, be present not just there.
Don’t just be a providing and teaching father.
Be emotionally present and approachable.
Be a dad.
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” ~ Ephesians 5:1,2
“For thus says the One who is high and lifted up,
who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:
“I dwell in the high and holy place,
and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly,
and to revive the heart of the contrite” ~ Isaiah 57:15
Our God is “other”. He is the transcendent, authoritative, sovereign Father who inhabits eternity. But He is also The Dad who is with His children.
