Blog

BP32

Historians say that events don’t start world wars. Driven by anger and hate, people start wars.

Jesus ties anger to murder: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment” ~ Matthew 5:21, 22

Anger is sometimes described as a temporary insanity.

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” ~ Proverbs 14:29

Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret ~ Ambrose Brierce

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention” ~ Proverbs 15:18

Thomas Jefferson said, “When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to a hundred.”

“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:9

An angry woman is vindictive beyond measure, and hesitates at nothing in her bitterness ~ Jean Antoine Petit-Senn

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” ~ James 1:19, 20

The first murder occurred because Cain was angry and so he killed his brother.

Anger is quite possibly the trickiest, most dangerous emotion that holds the power both to kill the body and to annihilate the human spirit. Both are murder in their own way.

Today’s post will consist of reflections on anger that will hopefully help us to understand the danger and the blessing of anger. First, though, let’s look in on a conversation between a husband and wife where anger is on display:

Husband walks in the door, drops his work satchel on the floor, and collapses onto the couch.

Wife walks into the room and announces, “Sammy needs help with his homework.”

Husband rubs his forehead and says nothing.

Wife rolls her eyes and says coolly, “I’ve been with the kids all day while you’ve been talking with other adults and having lunch out. Do you think I do nothing around here?”

Husband rolls his eyes toward his wife and shakes his head slowly.

Wife: “What? What’s that look for?”

Husband sighs, begins to open his mouth, but says nothing.

Wife: “Talk to me,” she says with a hint of demand in her voice. “I hate it when you sit there like a dummy waiting for the ventriloquist to make you speak.”

Husband looks down and mumbles something under his breath.

Wife: “What did you say?” she asks, furrowing her brows.

Husband looks back at his wife and finally speaks. “I said, Sometimes around you it’s safer to say nothing.”

Wife: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Husband: “When you’re in this mood, I’m not going to give you anything to misinterpret.”

Wife: “Why do you think I’m in this mood?” she snaps. “You always come home from work late. You never help around here. You think that all you have to do is put in your eight hours at work and then come home and watch hockey while I slave over supper and cleaning and getting the kids to bed. Well, I’m up to here with that same old narrative,” she says, placing her outstretched fingers up to her forehead.

Husband: “You have no idea how difficult my job is.”

Wife: “That’s the same answer you trot out whenever I dare to speak about my needs!”

Husband snorts and says, “You don’t express needs. You pour out a volcano of perpetual criticism. I feel so dang disrespected around here. I get more love from my office mates.”

Wife walks quickly across the room and wheels around to stare at her husband, her arms folded: “Do you know why I criticize and nag you? You never do anything around here, that’s why. You’re lazy. You’re even lazy about listening to me. The only time you hear me is when I’m angry and then you complain that I’m disrespecting you. If I don’t say anything, you ignore me. If I complain, you tell me I’m being bitchy. Don’t you see, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t? No matter what I say or how I say it, you’ll shut me out. All you want is people to be happy with you. You can’t handle anything that’s messy!”

Husband stands up stiffly and gazes out the living room window. “I think it’s time for me to head to Joe’s.” Physically, he is only feet away from his wife. Emotionally, he has divorced her in his heart.

Wife: “See! When the going gets tough, you run to the bar. I’d rather have you stay and fight it out with me, but no, you put your tail between your legs and leave. I’m sick and tired of your passive aggressive behaviors. I’m wondering more and more every day what I saw in you in the first place. You don’t know how to love anybody but your pathetic self!”

Husband turns his back to his wife and clenches his jaw. He remarks, “I’ll come back when you’re done disrespecting me. You’re acting just like your mother.”

Wife raises her voice and yells, “Shut up! You know I hate it when you compare me to my mother! How dare you throw fuel on the fire when you didn’t fall from the tree. Your father taught you how to escape to alcohol when life becomes challenging. Heaven forbid, poor Mike might have to face something difficult like loving his wife and kids and helping around the house!”

As Mike walks toward the door, he looks over his shoulder and says sharply, “You’re nothing but a controller, Lisa. Do this. Do that. Be home at five and not a minute late. Don’t forget your chore list on Saturday morning. You’re a taskmaster who wants everything done your way and on your schedule. Is it any wonder I don’t love you?”

Lisa: “Oh, so that’s how it is. You don’t love me. You’re a little late with that revelation. Do you know how long I’ve felt that you didn’t love me anymore? Literally, for years. You haven’t loved me since your mother passed away. You never were able to cut the apron strings, little Mikey. It was always Sally before Lisa.”

Mike stops at the door and looks up at the ceiling. Something inside him whispers that he should turn around, hug his wife, and apologize, but the emotions that are surging through his body easily silence the small voice. He is hurt. He is offended. He feels disrespected. Amanda at work treats him far better than his own wife. Maybe . . . He curses under his breath and walks out the door, justified in his flight from his critical wife. When he gets into the car, he slams the dashboard so hard that he cracks the display screen.

When Mike returns three hours later, the house is quiet—too quiet. He finds the note on the kitchen table. Lisa has taken the three kids to her parents’ house three hours away and doesn’t know when she will return.

He is still holding the note when he collapses on the couch for the second time that day.

He is angry: How dare she leave him?

He is weeping.

Lisa and Mike have grown so far apart they cannot see each other’s heart with the naked eye.

What is going on in this interaction? In her deepest heart, Lisa feels unloved and has, over a period of five years, gone from hurt to anger to bitterness to hatred. Years of feeling unloved have fermented into deeply rooted contempt that is awakened every time she hears her husband’s voice or looks at his face.

Mike has not pursued her in years, and she feels totally rejected–even abandoned. She has turned to her oldest son for comfort and conversation. She is slowly closing her heart to her husband. The emotional distance is becoming greater and greater. Over time, distance kills.

Mike has accurately identified that his anger toward his wife is about feeling disrespected. His hurt and anger in the face of her condescension have been channeled into wall-building. Build a barrier against the threat to keep it out at all costs. Lisa is right: he runs when he perceives negative evaluation and anger. He hates conflict. If he and Lisa don’t figure things out soon, he will escape into alcoholism and adultery—more running and hiding. More distance. Eventually, distance kills.

So, what are a few things that can be said about anger?

• So often the topic that triggers the conflict and the anger is forgotten and people get lost in their style of emoting in the moment. It isn’t about responding anymore but about reacting. It turns into self-justifying, blaming and venting. Nothing good happens when people move from their rational mind to their emotional mind.
• In a previous post, DTFL has discussed that humans have three responses to conflict: move toward, move away from, or move against. We pictured these three options as the Well, the Leakage and the Volcano (which can present either as an explosion or as slow, burning lava). Mike typically chooses to move away from others while Lisa moves against others in the form of seeping, hot lava.
• Anger mishandled over time often turns into contempt or stonewalling accompanied by periods of volcanic rage. When Mike moves away from conflict, he walls off his anger as well as his wife but then unpredictably explodes out of the blue. Lisa doesn’t explode but she keeps moving against Mike with an almost constant barrage of criticism.
• Some people avoid anger because they witnessed destructive, shaming, even annihilating anger in their family of origin. As a child, they decided that anger is only bad and dangerous.
• Some people don’t express anger because they question if it is legitimate or just an overreaction on their part. They don’t know what healthy anger looks like and so they err in the direction of swallowing their anger. Having grown up in a home where anger was unhealthy or not expressed at all, they can only guess at what anger might be legitimate.
• Some people feel so uncomfortable with the intensity or expression of their own anger that they project it into others and see them as the angry person.
• Often, we see God’s anger as similar to our own or to the rage of a person we grew up with. Unfortunately, we might then see God’s anger as flowing out of some divine narcissism that is upset that we have not treated Him as He deserves, that He is offended and hurt by us if we don’t glorify Him the way we should. He might even kill people because He’s royally angry at their disrespect toward Him. This issue is tricky because God is jealous for His glory and scripture does tell us that we’re living for the praise of His glory. However, as with everything else, humans can tweak things incorrectly. They might read about God’s desire for glory and make Him into a wrathful God who is quick to be angry if we fail to praise Him correctly or we focus even a little on our worth as a person. Maybe remember this: God doesn’t want us to make much of Him because we should but because we have come to experience His love and grace and we cannot help but praise Him and thank Him and give Him all the glory not only for delivering us from sin and death but for who He is as the holy, almighty, loving and sovereign God of  the universe.
• It is much more comfortable to avoid anger because it feels so ugly inside our chests and face and throat. Anger can be so visceral, so physical. It will make our voices shake and our cheeks turn red and our hearts beat hard and fast.
• Anger expressed well can set the best boundaries. If you’re nice and never angry, people may walk all over you. But if you can firmly but lovingly say no even with anger in your voice and on your face, then people realize that you have defenses around you and need to be respected.
• There is a difference between being angry and being offended.
• Why not simply avoid anger? Doesn’t Paul tell us in Ephesians to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice?” ~ 4:31. But Paul also says in the same letter, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” ~ 4:26. So, there must be an anger that leads to sin but also an anger that God encourages.
• Choose your battles carefully. There is a time to be a sponge and a time to wear armor and wield the sword of the Spirit.
• You can love and be angry at the same time.

• Listen in your anger. The art of being angry with someone is not to defend your position to the death but to love the other person in the disagreement. Even two-year-olds know how to defend their position. When you’re in conflict, feel around the rim of the other person’s soul and discover what fuels his anger. Many psychologists say that anger is a secondary emotion fueled by other feelings like fear, sadness, grief, and a sense of aloneness or abandonment. Listen for what’s behind the wall of anger. Hear what the other person is not saying and you might see something in her heart that no one else has ever seen or ever will see if you don’t.
• There are two extremes on the spectrum of anger. Some people need anger management to learn how to express their explosive anger in healthy ways. Other people need anger inducement to learn how to express any anger at all. After all, God’s word does say to “speak the truth in love”—that includes when you’re angry. Some people need to take the training wheels off their emotional bicycle and attempt to be angry when appropriate. At first, you might steer a bit erratically and bump into other riders, but it’s better to learn how to ride and speak the truth in love than to still be using the training wheels of niceness and dishonesty when you’re 70.

• There are rules of engagement to follow when you’re angry. You know most of them: Avoid name-calling, swearing, and character assassination (e.g., telling the other person they’re selfish, stupid, don’t know how to love). Bring up only one topic at a time instead of piling on complaint after complaint. Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. Avoid words like ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘why’. Loving someone while you’re angry doesn’t mean being nice or that you trust the other person. You may still need to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Say a positive before you state a negative. Do your best to say, “I need,” instead of, “Why don’t you ever . . .” Make use of time-outs as necessary. (Remember what Thomas Jefferson said above.) Reflect back to the other person what he or she is saying to ensure that you’re listening and not planning your rebuttal.
• Know the difference between the three types of people in the world. While no one is perfect or has arrived, there are some people who are mature and trustworthy with the handling of their anger as well as yours. It is safe to be angry in their presence. Next, there are the people who are immature but willing to grow (that’s most of us, I suppose). They have taken the training wheels off but are still working at a healthier expression and reception of anger. Finally, there are those people who are intent on harming you. They may even be evil. They have no desire to grow, but like a runaway bull will animalistically run over anything in their path—and their path is          a mile wide. All of us are capable of descending into hate and rage, so  be humble. But there are those who live in that place of evil anger        who will destroy those who offend them, possibly even kill them.  Know when to run and when to shut your mouth and be wisely silent.
• Do your very best not to personalize anger—especially with teenagers. Ha. If you always receive the words of others as an attack on you (sometimes they are), you will feel offended and quickly resort to defending yourself.
• Recognize those times when the other person is the trigger for your emotions but your transference of anger meant for someone other than the present company is what makes your response so intense. A person may step into your mine field, but the Claymore that explodes in their face is yours.
• Sometimes we don’t get angry because we believe everyone is made of china and we will break them. Sometimes we don’t get angry because we feel like we’re made of china and we don’t want anyone to break us with their anger.
• Find one healthy person you can trust and be angry.
• Healthy anger is accompanied by a spirit of forgiveness.
• Know when to bring in a professional to help you resolve deep anger.
• If you can master Ephesians 4 to be angry but to not be angry, you have accomplished an amazing milestone in your personal growth. If you avoid the destructive anger that comes from the flesh and express the loving anger that comes from the Spirit, you will be someone people can trust with all their emotions, even anger without training wheels.
• Jesus is the only one who can teach us how to speak the truth in love even when we’re angry. I’m convinced we cannot be angry on our own in a mature way—responding and not reacting, feeling around the rim of the other person’s soul even while we’re under attack, listening for what they’re not saying, patiently containing the other person’s anger instead of defending against it—without the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit through whom God’s love has been poured into our hearts (Romans 5:5).

So, learn how to be angry. It can be a long journey. Become an apprentice under the tutelage of the Holy Spirit and He will teach you how to express your anger in the garden of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Learn how to move toward others with your anger, not against or away from.

Intentionally practice anger instead of avoiding it. Through ongoing personal growth, become a person who can express anger in a loving way for good and not in an offended way for evil. People who can be angry with each other and still love each other after the conflict has passed—these are people who will grow as close as Jonathan and David.

Don’t avoid anger, then. Get good and mad–or mad and good.

When Jesus was crucified, in anger He could have summoned a million angels to wipe out the earth. Instead, in His anger He said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do ~ Luke 23:34