BP244
“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal” ~ Hebrews 12:15-16
Ever since the fall in the garden, God-designed desires in men have been covered like the moon covers the sun during a solar eclipse except not for a few minutes but forever. Post-Eden, the flesh now rules in a man’s heart. The old man is in charge unless a new man is created (see John 3:3 and 2 Corinthians 5:17). Sinful passion is now god on the throne of the heart instead of godly desire.
2 Peter 1:4 says, “. . . by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption [ruin] that is in the world because of sinful desire.”
Yes, the fallen world is ruined because the first humans turned their backs on their loving Creator and instead pursued what they wanted in a tragic moment of rebellion. Disobedience undermined obedience. Sinful desire corrupted all holy desires in men.
Fallen men don’t want to be a steward of God’s garden—they want to leverage it for their own wealth. Men don’t want to lead with God’s humility and servanthood—they want power over every competitor. Men no longer naturally love a woman’s heart—they love her body and how she can pleasure them in the realm of sexual ecstasy.
The heart matters little to nothing. The material world is now the playing field for the fallen imago Dei.
2 Peter 1 quoted above introduce hope into this fallen world. It tells us that God brings power, life, knowledge, glory, excellence, and promises that set us free from the Prison of War Camp called Sinful Desire. However, as Galatians 5 tells us, there is now a civil war going on internally for every Christian man between the old man of the flesh and the new man of the Spirit.
So, even though a man who loves Jesus has the new Spirit man in him, he still has a dark desire in him that wants what he wants when he wants it. If men feed that dark side, the Mr. Hyde within them, the old sinful self will grow stronger, hungrier, more difficult to refuse. How important, then, to feed the Spirit man who according to 1 Peter 1 was born into existence by the will of the blessed “God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Bottom line: Christian men have a battle to fight against the flesh, day by day, minute by minute. Specifically in the gladiatorial arena of sexual desire, men who love Jesus must fight to be careful to love a woman’s heart and not her body, to love what is eternal and not what is fleeting. I believe there is a difference between being attracted to your girlfriend’s or future spouse’s body and coveting it with a burning passion.
The verses at the beginning of this post contain these words: “that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.” Interesting–it sounds like Esau didn’t just covet the stew his brother had made but coveted women as well. Across the board, his desires had been ruined, had become unholy. Such is the state of the fallen man; and this fallen state can be further intensified by mental illness.
The primary thought today is that all men—sadly, even Christian men, must be careful not to be Esau—willing to give up something so important as a birthright, something so God-given as faith and wisdom, for a moment of physical pleasure. Men especially seem to be so vulnerable to their appetites, whether it be for power, pleasure, or the pursuit of selfish fun. Obviously, women are also driven by fallen desires such as a passion to be seen as attractive enough to be chosen, a need to have emotional control over men, and sometimes an unrelenting spirit of criticism.
A disclaimer here—some of the above desires can be a good thing when coupled with God’s love!
But here we are considering the man’s fallen desires.
Christian men, be careful what draws you to a woman. Be careful about being possessed by the sensation of “loving a woman at first sight” because that may be driven by the appearance of her physical outside body and have nothing to do with her inside spirit. Yes, a man needs to have some physical attraction to a woman if he will one day marry her, but he must never allow that desire from his loins to negatively impact the two things mentioned below.
First, primarily loving a woman’s body will lead a man to have a shallow love for the woman’s heart and soul—a great detriment to the female. Secondly, allowing sexual attraction to be the driving factor may make the man similar to Esau.
Let’s take a closer look at Esau’s account in Genesis 25:29ff:
“Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, ‘Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!’ (That is why he was also called Edom.)
Jacob replied, ‘First sell me your birthright.’
‘Look, I am about to die,’ Esau said. ‘What good is the birthright to me?’
33 But Jacob said, ‘Swear to me first.’ So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.
34 Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.”
For the feeding of a fleeting physical appetite, Esau surrendered his inheritance as the oldest son! For a bowl of stew, he traded away his birthright. For five minutes of pleasure, he exchanged land, livestock, and his position of honor.
One lesson men can learn from Esau is not to risk your future for a fleeting moment of sexual pleasure. Many men have crashed and burned because of one brief crossing of the line just to get the stew, so to speak. But also, beyond guarding one’s future, men must be careful to love any woman (she might become his wife one day) not for her body but for her inside person—for her sake. A man must strive to love a woman for who she is—God’s daughter about whom He says, “You are my darling child” ~ Jeremiah 31:20.
What am I getting at here? Some men are so drawn to a “mirage woman”, a female who arouses their sexual desire so viscerally, that they must have her. Maybe this visceral attraction is what drew King David to Bathsheba. Yes, some men are so driven to have the mirage woman, to possess her, to conquer her, that they overlook dangerous things. They are so aroused by physical attraction that they are blind to other truths, one being that they don’t really know the woman’s heart. She might be controlling, critical, or even leverages her physical beauty to get whatever she wants.
Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that every physically beautiful woman is to be avoided, that they are mentally unhealthy. No. My point is to the men here: don’t let physical attraction be the sole or primary factor that knits you to a woman—impulsively, prematurely, selfishly.
I know many men who united unhealthily with a woman due to some attraction that overrode common sense and wisdom. Often, that attraction was physical. Sometimes it was also emotional—the woman reminded them subconsciously of their unhealthy mother.
I specifically am aware of several men who married a woman because she subconsciously reminded them of their controlling and critical mother. In these cases, physical beauty may not always be the attraction. No, the attraction in these scenarios was not as much her body but more because her powerful presence was reminiscent of someone who was very familiar to the man. The man had already been trained to submit to a strong woman by his dominating mother, so he naturally was attracted to another controlling woman. Nothing good comes from such a union that is a repetition of the past—sometimes going back 3-4 generations or more!
So, men, be wise not to be Esau. Be careful not to pursue with reckless abandon a woman who innately attracts you, ignoring all the future consequences (many of which we did not address today). You are not loving the woman for her heart. You are loving her as Esau loved a bowl of stew. You are sinning against her soul.
In addition, you will be sinning against yourself, but not only because you are driven by sensual pleasure as opposed to love and servanthood. As alluded to above, you may also be motivated by reenactment, a subconscious need to repeat a familiar relational dynamic you experienced in your childhood.
These men who desire the body only or who are possessed by a subconscious desire to repeat the past, may sacrifice everything from their independent self to their strong faith in God. Emotionally castrated, controlled, shamed and criticized, these men enter into a fusion with a woman that leads to the loss of their leadership, manhood, and godliness. Although the woman may desire to control the man, she will not respect him if he submits to that control. She will come to despise him.
I’m walking out on thin ice here, but there might even be a few men out there who marry a strong, powerful (maybe even physically beautiful) woman so they can have power over her through sex. Yes, some men who feel deeply inadequate in the woman’s presence might find pleasure in having power over her during the sexual act. Generally feeling inferior to the woman, they experience momentary dominance during sex. The worst manifestation of this unhealthy dynamic, of course, occurs in instances of rape or maybe even in domestic abuse.
Some men, of course, will passively submit to control even during sexual activity.
So, men, be wise. Know yourself well before you surrender yourself to attraction for a woman (and vice versa, of course, a woman surrendering to a man). Be familiar with your blind spots before you make a huge relational decision such as marrying a woman. Marriage is not like falling off a log. It is not simple and easy and “microwaveish”–something to be grounded in instantaneous visual attraction and visceral hunger. Marriage demands deep self-awareness and other-awareness all beneath the umbrella of walking closely with Jesus to hear His will for your life.
Men, don’t be Esau. Don’t be King David, at least in his pursuit of Bathsheba. All you men must grow before you marry someone. Don’t bury your immaturity or pain from childhood and carry it into your marriage. Take time to look inside and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, examine yourselves and become more like Jesus. Marriage and children will bring out the worst in you if you avoid the journey of growth, if you are poor at delay of gratification and gifted at wanting what you want now.
If you’re already married and you know something is off—either you or her or probably both of you—seek help immediately. Mentoring, men’s groups, individual therapy, marriage counseling–all require work. But don’t put any of these off because it is difficult. Run toward anything that will grow you now. Men tend to avoid these helpful avenues of growth. Don’t be one of them.
Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Jesus wants to grow you. Be obedient to your loving Lord. Look to Him.
Only then pursue a woman whom you will need to love not with your loins or as part of a reenactment drama but with your servant (not servile) heart!
“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away . . . Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” ~ Colossians 3:5-8,12-14
“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” ~ Matthew 6:31-33
“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:16-17
