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BP 185

We are all, every man and woman, created for Presence—to be seen, known, loved, pursued, yearned for. As we know from Scripture, these actions are exactly God’s movements toward us. Just as the Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been seeing, knowing, loving, pursuing, and yearning for one another forever, so has God acted toward us and continues to act toward us every moment of every day for God does not sleep nor slumber! Love is His character. Love is who He is. Love does what love is. Thus, He loves us.

One of the earliest names for Jesus in Scripture is Immanuel–God with us. Immanuel, the God of love, pursues. Immanuel is the healing of all aloneness and loneliness for He desires to be Present with all His creatures.

But the fallen universe is set against love, intimacy, and withness. Instead of love, there is lust. Instead of selflessness, there is selfishness. Instead of giving, there is taking. The world of servanthood has been eclipsed by a dark universe of dominance and hate.

Since the beautiful Garden fell into shadow, there has been an ongoing war between separation and withness, aloneness and presence. Wonderfully, Jesus came to save those who are alone. Alone due to their separating sin. Alone due to their rebellion. Alone due to their fears of being under condemnation and feeling unlovable. Alone because Satan has lied to them to settle for fleeting pleasures that have nothing to do with being known or seen.

Yes, here is the great war of the world: it has nothing to do with an alien attack or global warming or socialism. Rather, it is all about the war for the human heart in the spiritual realm.

Fallout from the battle between Presence and separation show up in mental illness. One form of such mental illness is Narcissism, a meager label for a complex condition of the heart. This disorder of the soul seems to be cultivated, generally speaking, in one of two ways. The first is by giving too much (unhealthy) attention to a child. The second is by giving too little attention to a child.

How do these two unhealthy examples of Presence manifest? First, too much positive attention for a child coupled with an absence of discipline and accountability can create a golden boy or a golden girl—a child who can do no wrong in the parents’ eyes (or maybe only in the eyes of one of the parents). I have encountered families over the years where a wife feels unloved by her emotionally distant husband and so she seeks that love in her children—often in the person of her son.

The emotionally hungry mother might groom her son to be sensitive to her and to give her what her husband will not or cannot give to her. Thus, the golden boy is created who is highly favored by the mother and often “rewarded” in exchange for him taking care of her. Here is where we even encounter emotional incest.

This favored son often grows up and expects similar doting and “golden” behavior from other women including his future wife. In this way, a boy may grow into a man who manifests varying degrees of narcissism—demands for positive attention and a sense of entitlement.

The second way narcissism might be formed is through a significant deficit in parental Presence. Unlike the exalted and pampered golden boy described above, this boy or girl is often invisible or minimized in the family system due to neglect, shame, or even abuse. He or she ends up feeling unseen, not pursued, and possibly even rejected.

This child later becomes an “adult” who is hungry for attention and will find ways to make others see him. Having missed healthy primary narcissism, he will seek what he missed through unhealthy secondary narcissism that demands that people respond to him in the exact manner he needs.

So, sadly, a child can be impacted by dysfunctional parenting at either end of the spectrum, i.e., by an over-present parent or by an under-present parent. Of course, in both situations the parent is not being healthy. In both scenarios, the parent is seeking his or her own good, his or her own emotional needs instead of what is healthy for the child. The under-present or abusive parent is acting out of a deep lack of healthy presence while the over-present parent is acting out of a hunger to receive something in return from the golden child that they are lacking in their adult world. Both scenarios are disturbances in Presence because they are driven by a deficit in the parent.

Both the golden child and the invisible child are identified by a cluster of “symptoms” that others around them can usually readily identify. The former is seen as plagued more by “grandiose narcissism” while the latter experiences “vulnerable narcissism.” It is important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum. Truthfully, everyone shows up somewhere on the spectrum. On the extreme end would fall those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most individuals just have traits of narcissism as opposed to a full-blown personality disorder.

Below is a list of possible ways that narcissism manifests in the life of a man or woman who grew up golden or invisible or abused.

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, brilliance, beauty, or amazing contributions to humanity. I am capable of exceptionally high levels of achievement that will blow people away!
3. A belief that one is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other amazing high-status people or institutions. Since I have gifted ideas that will advance the sales of my company I need to speak directly with the CEO.
4. A constant need for admiration. These individuals often brag or exaggerate their performance for recognition. They will attempt to elicit admiration from others. I deserve more than a compliment or a pat on the back for what I do around here. I demand that others praise my appearance, accomplishments, and my existence.
5. A sense of entitlement. I deserve the best and people had better give it to me or I will be wounded and angry.
6. Using other people. Narcissists see other people as objects to be manipulated and controlled for their purposes. Their lack of self-awareness is accompanied by a lack of other-awareness, i.e., not realizing that the people around them exist as individuals with their own emotions and needs. People are simply an extension of themselves.
7. A lack of ability to work or communicate in a team setting.
8. Lack of empathy. Those who struggle with narcissism do not recognize how other people might feel. They lack emotional awareness or depth.
9. Arrogance and conceit are traits often witnessed in narcissistic individuals.

Some people believe that NPD is incurable, lifelong. As with seemingly all personality disorders, narcissists believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. The way they see the world is correct while others are somehow inferior in their ability to perceive reality. If others challenge them, they stubbornly cling to their view of the world and often shoot the messenger who has dared to devalue them.

I believe all personality disorders including Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and even Schizotypal Personality Disorder can have multiple origins from the realms of nature and nurture. Above, we have considered two possible ingredients, namely, dysfunctional over-presence and the deficits that contribute to parental under-presence.

How should we as Christians relate to narcissists? Good question. Obviously, it will depend on where they are on the continuum of narcissism. If they are on the far extreme, they will have little to no awareness of what others feel or need. They will expect the treatment of the golden child who is favored and special; or they will insist on the treatment due to the invisible and abused child who hungers for the love and attention they did not receive as a child but now demand as their entitlement.

If you challenge those enslaved by narcissism, there will be anger, resistance, and possibly even major devaluing of your personhood. Why? Because if they feel that you are devaluing them, they will devalue you.

What is the best hope for someone struggling with a high degree of narcissism? Jesus is her best hope. He is the One who communicates to the wounded child now dressed in the body of an adult that he is loved, always seen, never forgotten, and will never be abandoned by God.

Of course, a significant hurdle for the man and woman struggling with narcissism will be to admit they need anything from anyone—even God. Need probably won’t fit their special and unique view of themselves as perfect and self-sufficient. Weakness and neediness are what others are cursed with, not them.

Those struggling with narcissism may not be all wrong. Maybe they are right to expect others to see them. They were made to be seen, after all—seen perfectly. Don’t we all long for glory? Aren’t we all hardwired not just to be seen by the Glory of the universe but to know that we have been chosen by Him, loved by Him, delighted in by Him, yearned for by His heart, and even indwelt by Him?

We are dreadfully incomplete without experiencing glory. We long for this. We hunger for this. We groan until we are fully adopted and in the Presence of Him who sees us perfectly and fully abiding in Him and He in us. Is this hunger for glory a selfish and narcissistic thing?

C. S. Lewis has something to say to narcissists (to all of us in a real sense) who hunger to be seen and loved (sometimes with an unhealthy sense of entitlement). Lewis writes in The Weight of Glory, “The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret. And surely, from this point of view, the promise of glory, in the sense described, becomes highly relevant to our deep desire. For glory means good report with God, acceptance by God, response, acknowledgment, and welcome into the heart of things. The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last.”

There is so much more to be said but I have said too much already. In conclusion, follower of Jesus, both love and set firm boundaries with those whose narcissism might lead you to walk on eggshells around them. Pray for them, that their eyes will be opened to see that their glory does not lie in impressing others with their own grandiosity but in seeking the Presence of Him who, very unlike a parent in the past, will not take from them to shore up His insecurities since He has none.

God never demands glory out of weakness and narcissistic woundedness. He asks you to give Him the glory because when you do so, it is a sign that you have experienced His deep love and are so full of joy, hope, worship, and gratitude that you cannot help but praise Him.

Also, God will not neglect or ignore any of His children or be too busy to see them. He has limitless supplies. His pantry is not empty as is true of some earthly parents. His grace and giving is bottomless, eternal. His love is not measurable.

So, child of God, remember that the incarnation was the Trinity coming to love us, save us, and be in us for our glory (being seen by Him) and for His glory. What amazing love! Again, this is not a surprise as if something unusual were happening. We were created for this mystical union: God with us. God in us.

The golden boy and the invisible boy both are unhealthy, left to demand attention and then be angry if it is not delivered as they are entitled to receive it. Jesus came to heal both the golden and the invisible if they will but come. Jesus will not condemn the narcissistic child, but He will not coddle. He will love but He will not dote and overprotect or idealize. He will extend grace and mercy even as He firmly calls the child to grow daily to become more like Him.

So, narcissist, run to the only One who can love you as you need. But child, you must admit your neediness. If not, you may die alone.

“Jesus stood up and said to her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ She said, ‘No one, Lord.’ And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.’”

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me’” ~ Genesis 16:13ff

“To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen” ~ Jude 24-25.

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