BP128
Here I am Lord–your Hagar. Your poor, pathetic, slave woman who is second chair to Sarah yet again. My fourth roommate is now dating. I am now the only one in the whole house who is single. No man wants me. I am the reject. I am scared I will be alone all my life—one of those crazy cat ladies. I am so sad. Do you see the tears rolling down my cheeks, Lord? I am angry. I am bitter.
What am I doing wrong? Am I wanting this too much? Do I come across as desperate? Am I scaring men away from me?
What am I supposed to do, Jesus–be forever passive? Do nothing? Believe me, I’ve tried that. Many times. I feel like I’ve become an ocean wave: rush in but fear that I’m being too aggressive. So then roll passively back out to sea and wait for someone to scan the massive ocean and somehow see me instead of all the other girls. Rush in. Roll out. Rush in. Roll out. What am I supposed to do, Jesus?
I hate the feeling of powerlessness! I just wait around and feel pathetically needy. Someone once said powerlessness breeds hatred. Maybe I don’t hate men and myself (some days I probably do if I’m honest), but I do feel overwhelmingly frustrated and even bitter on some days. Yes, I feel angry at men for not choosing me and angry with me for obviously not being special enough to be wanted.
Now that I’m thinking about it, God, what is wrong with me? There’s obviously something that keeps men away. Do I have an emotional forcefield around me rooted in my fear of rejection? Is it my quiet desperation that I attempt to hide but that leaks out all over my face and in my voice? Or is it my body? Is it my legs, my hips, my breasts, my hair color, the length of my neck, the size of my eyes, my nose, my ears, my mouth, my chin, my jawline, my cheeks, the way I walk, the pitch of my voice?
What’s wrong with me?????? I’m screaming inside right now, Lord. Do you hear me? I know you hear me!
But sometimes I wonder if you do hear me. Why would you? No one else does.
I’m your pathetic Hagar staggering through the desert, thirsty and alone.
I don’t think anyone really knows what I’m feeling. I look at all my married friends. They were once like me. They were all single not that long ago. I watched them start dating. I tried so hard to be happy for them when they got engaged. I mustered up hugs and smiles for them on their wedding day even as the tears were welling up behind my eyes. Tears not of joy for them, but selfish tears that it wasn’t me who was being chosen that day.
On every wedding day, I am rejected once again.
What the heck! I am so self-centered. I want to rejoice with my friends instead of making everything about me yet again!
God, what is wrong with me, your ugly Hagar?
Today, I am thinking for the thousandth time that I should have married that guy back in college who was so into me that he wanted to sleep with me on the first date. But I said no. I was being faithful to you, Jesus, trying to be obedient and pure and faithful. As you know, he stopped calling me after three months when he found out that I was not going to give myself away before my wedding day. Why didn’t I settle for him? I know it would have been a mistake.
I’m just saying, Jesus, that in my darkest hours my mind can go anywhere.
Since I said no to him, you know I’ve made a few mistakes. I sinned in my panic of being alone.
Even then, they still left me. Be pure and holy and men don’t want me. Give yourself away so they will want me and then they leave anyway.
What am I doing wrong?
Lord, I do love you with all my heart. I know you’re there. I have experienced your presence in awesome ways!
But . . .
I’m sorry, Jesus, for doubting you. I’m sorry even for my tears right now because they for sure betray my lack of trust in your goodness. Yes, even my tears are a sin! I just can’t get it right. I feel like cutting myself or maybe even dying in my sleep.
When I get impatient, I am overfriendly to guys. When I get bitter, I push them away. When I get desperate, I fear that my neediness is a neon light in the dark night flashing one word to all the men around me: RUN! I am one of those three-eyed little green men from the Toy Story movie waiting for the claw to choose me. But then I am not chosen, and I am left feeling like an alien from another planet.
All my roommates will be moving out soon. They’ll all be married, and I’ll be left behind yet again. They’ll be sailing off on cruise ships or flying to Hawaii for their honeymoons and I’ll be coming home from work, alone. They’ll be enjoying intimacy with their husbands on every level, and I’ll be watching romance movies and feeding my love hunger with food. They’ll be getting pregnant and having kids and I’ll have an empty womb crying out to embrace a baby.
God, you know that even when I was a little girl, I dreamed about the guy I would meet and the perfect wedding I would have and the cute house with the white picket fence we would live in and the three children who would bring joy and laughter into our lives. Well, Lord, if you haven’t noticed, none of those dreams have been fulfilled.
What am I supposed to do with those words, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart?”
The desire of my heart is to be seen and chosen by a man, to be faithful to him as long as I have breath, to have children and train them up in the way that they should go, to submit to and respect my husband in all obedience to you, Jesus. Why wouldn’t you grant me those things that would advance your kingdom on earth?
Sorry, Lord, I’m letting my emotional mind drive the car. I know I need to trust you as Psalm 37 says—the one I alluded to a few moments ago. I commit my way to you in this very moment for the five thousandth time. And I’m not trying to be sarcastic. Well, maybe a little, but I don’t mean to be. Help me to be thankful and trusting. You have been so good to me in so many ways that I know I simply must wait for you.
I know that if I never get married, I’m going to be okay. My head knows that. Afterall, this lifetime is so fleeting. True, full life won’t begin until I enter your presence. But here in this lifetime, my heart begins to feel this muted anxiety that then erupts into my brain and morphs into panic. I see myself alone in a small house, going to bed alone, getting up alone, having no pictures on the wall of my husband, my kids, and my grandkids and I begin to feel this deep ache in my chest and my throat gets tight.
Sometimes I swallow the grief. Sometimes I weep aloud.
I have this fear, God, of not being chosen. Have I mentioned that to you before?
But even more than that, I’m so afraid of being alone. I don’t want to be all be myself.
My mother was chosen by my dad—otherwise I wouldn’t even be here, obviously. If she was chosen by someone, why not me? And my boss is married. If a man can choose her, certainly a man could choose me!
Maybe I’m just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow. Maybe I should just let go of my desires and worries and give them to you. I know that’s the right answer. Why does my heart run at cross purposes to my mind and your word?
I could lose more weight or put on more makeup or dress a bit more—noticeably. But then I feel like I’m focusing on the outside of me. I’m selling out to the culture of the physical. How important should the way I look be to a man anyway? I might resent a man who notices me for my body, but I might be alone if I don’t care how I look. I guess I have to find some middle road of caring for my physical appearance but not becoming seductive.
I don’t think I even know how to be seductive and really don’t want to be. I’m not that kind of girl.
Jesus, I’ll be okay tomorrow, but tonight I’m weeping. I’m scared. Please help your poor, pathetic Hagar, the woman who said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “I have seen the One who sees me.”
Lord, may I be like Hagar. I have been rejected by Abram so he can pursue his Sarah. Now I am lost and alone in the desert. Please see me like you saw Hagar.
Also, please open the eyes of the man who is supposed to see me and pursue me. And teach me how to tastefully show my interest when a man comes my way who is desirable. When he does draw near, I fear that I will run and hide. What hope is there for me when my fear always sabotages me?
Jesus, you must pour trust into my heart.
If only it was that easy, right? I know I must earn trust by leaving the land I know and being willing to go to the place that I don’t even see right now. Take me by the hand and lead me, for your servant desires to obey you, my perfect husband.
Help me to love you even more than the desires and dreams I have entertained for two decades. Please remove any idols from my heart and may I always look to you first. Not because you’re some, narcissistically jealous God but because you are the only husband who will satisfy the deepest desires of my heart. Only after seeking you first should I seek a human husband because if I expect him to perfectly please me, I will always be disappointed and begin to disrespect him.
At least I’m not divorced–chosen initially but then disposed of. Maybe it’s better to not be chosen at all than chosen and then found to be wanting or finding out that I married a man for all the wrong reasons.
Jesus, life is so hard! Please be close to me.
I don’t trust my heart—at least not the fleshly part. My spirit wants to obey you and wait patiently for your will to unfold but my flesh wants what it wants now. I even had a dream last week about being with a woman as a spouse! Oh, how my flesh can hunger for passions of the mind and heart and not wait for you to provide.
Just like Sarah and Abram did not initially wait for your promise to be realized and instead had Abram impregnate Hagar, so I can run ahead and try to make things happen according to my will and timing. Wretched woman that I am, who will help me?
Will you please help me, Jesus?
The young woman who is a sister of Hagar goes to sleep that night with tears on her cheeks and her Bible open on the bed next to her. She has a dream.
In that dream, a bright creature appears to her and says, “Your prayers have been heard, O daughter of the Most High God. Your tears have been collected and placed in a bottle. He says to you, ‘Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful’ (Song of Solomon 1:15). ‘I heal the broken-hearted’ (Psalm 147:3). ‘Hope in me, for you shall again praise me even when you are cast down’ (Psalm 42:11).
‘The Lord has heard your weeping’ (Psalm 6:8) and ‘will watch over you’ (Psalm 121:5). ‘Your times are in His hands’ ( Psalm 31:15 ). ‘Humble yourself, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:6). ‘Know that He will bless the latter part of your life more than the earlier years’ (Job 42:12).
‘You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’” (Isaiah 41:1).
The radiant creature stands silently in the young woman’s presence for a long time as his words reverberate across the earth. Finally, he turns to leave, but then looks back at her and says, “Oh, and yes, you are right, daughter of the Almighty God. Trust will not be poured into your heart. You will learn to trust Him with all your heart as you walk through the valleys of this world.
“But do not fret, the valleys are where the grass grows, not on the mountain tops. Fear no evil in the darkness, for He is with you even there to hold you and to comfort you. Yes, He is with you. Nothing else matters if He is with you. That, my daughter, is hidden knowledge that few believe.
”Not all will walk the way you have been called to walk, precious one. Not even one other. Every path is designed to be walked only by one daughter or one son. But wait on Him, and He will give you ever good and perfect gift, making everything beautiful in its time.
“You are tempted to view your life in years and in things you achieve or things you get. Unlike you, the One who inhabits eternity views your life from where there is no beginning and no end. And He rejoices in growing His incomprehensible glory in your mortal body. Singleness and marriage fade into nothingness in the presence of this glory. In the presence of The Glory.
“He will give you exactly what you need for the journey toward the Presence—toward the beautiful wedding feast. It does not depend on you to generate the strength for the path, my daughter. Where He guides, He provides.
Yes, you will groan and weep on the way, but you who wait for the LORD shall renew your strength; you shall mount up with wings like eagles; you shall run and not be weary; you shall walk and not faint.
“Do not fear, only believe.”
